Rod Liddle is associate editor of The Spectator.
Grade: A– The problem with Norwegians is that they are so relentlessly, mind-numbingly pleasant. Well, OK, not Knut Hamsun or Vidkun Quisling. And probably not the deranged fascist murderer Anders Breivik either. But then maybe that’s what unrestrained, suffocating niceness does to a certain kind of person: they end up strapping on a machine gun,
England: 2 (Sterling, Kane) Germany: 0 (nobody at all) Well, that lifted the spirits a bit. And coming after the French being evicted by their alpine neighbours, it has meant quite a lot of alcoholic celebration in Liddle Towers. A deserved victory over Germany — who, contrary to popular belief, we do beat quite often.
Austria 1 (Arnautovic) Italy 0 The laws in my universe differ from those imposed by Fifa. Austria go through, having weathered a difficult first half and then taken control of the game and in the 64th minute won it through a beautiful header from their querulous star, Marko Arnautovic. It was a deserved victory. The point
Wales 0 Denmark 4 (blonde self-satisfied young men 4) The battle between the neutrals’ favourites. Brave Denmark, with their stricken player and heroic travails against the evil Russkies. Wales – a small nation, although not so small as several others in this contest – magnificent conquerors of the Erdogan Caliphate. Here, though, in Amsterdam, they
I think Keir’s had it. This may not discomfort you terribly, I know. Still less the fact that Labour will rummage around in its idiot box and find someone even more un-electable to lead the party. Cheeky Nandos perhaps, or Angela No-Brayner. Someone mental for whom patriotism is an anathema and who finds it difficult
Ingerlund: 1 (Sterling) Czechia: 0 — Croatia: 3 (people with name ending in ‘itch’) Scotland 1 (Jimmy) A little better, solely because of changes in the team largely enforced upon old Horseface. Jack Grealish started because the hitherto largely ineffective Phil Foden is carrying a booking. Arsenal’s starlet Bukayo Saka was in the team largely because Mason
I am sitting by my TV waiting for the start of England vs Czechia. Why do I sign up for this inevitable disappointment, check my name on the list of the 40 million who think we’re due a trophy, sit down with cheap snacks and then fall asleep? The misery of it. For 55 years. As
Netherlands: 3 Macedonia: 0 — Ukraine: 0 Austria 1 What’s your favourite name for a Dutch politician? I always liked Rita Verdonk, because she sounds like a bit of a goer, I don’t know why. But then there’s Wim Kok — the fleeting dream of a penis. How about Lewd Rubbers? Or was it Rude Lubbers?
Italy 1 (Peroni, or Ciao, or something) Wales 0 Switzerland 3 (Albanian Gnome 2, Bosnian Gnome) Turkey 1 (Who cares?) Gallant Wales got themselves outplayed by Italy’s reserves but still go through to the next round, courtesy of not being thumped as badly as the Swiss were when they played Italy’s first team. Switzerland will
England 0 Scotland 0 Hungary 1 (Fiola) France 1 (Griezmann) It is remarkable how Southgate has sucked the life out of such talented players over the last two or three years The wonderful Hungarians almost took my mind off England’s lamentable performance last night and the usual stupid, self-serving, excuses from Southgate. England are easily
I found this shaggy dog story on the MillwallOnline site, posted by a mate called Life With The Lions. ‘It is just before the start of the Scotland vs England game, at Wembley stadium, in the Euro Championships 2020. Harry Kane goes into the England dressing room to find all his teammates looking a bit
Turkey 0 Wales 2 (Ramsey 45, Roberts 90+5) Apologies to those of you who have been expecting my annual list of the world’s most loathsome countries, which I usually publish at this time of year. Various stuff has got in the way – not least this tournament. Once it is over I’ll get down to
A couple of decades back the Radio Society asked me to moderate a debate for its summer festival. ‘Between who?’ I asked them and was delighted when they replied: ‘It’s entirely up to you.’ I chose the charismatic hook-handed Muslim cleric Sheikh Abu Hamza al-Masri and the then leader of the British National party, Nick
Finland: 0 Russia: 1 (Zhukov, 45) Following an earlier, epic, encounter between these two plucky teams, Adolf Hitler commented: ‘We have only to kick in the door and the whole rotten structure will come crashing down.’ He had noted the parlous performance of the Red Army during the initial stages of the 1939 Winter War and thus
Hungary (Orban 1, 90) 2 Europe and the WHO 0 Now THIS was a proper game of football. Fractious and furious, bitterly contested in front of 61,000 magnificently partisan Hungarians in Budapest. Scarcely a mask in sight and certainly not a knee. Orban has had enough of lockdown: Hungary took us back to the old
Scotland 0 Czech Republic 2 (Schick as a parrot, 42,52) Have you ever visited Carlsbad, now known as Karlovy Vary? I’d always had a faint hankering to live there, being hugely enamoured of what we once called eastern Europe, but I’m told it’s full of the most ghastly Russians these days. Maybe Slovakia is a
Match 3: England 1 (MBE 57) Croatia 0 I have no animus against Croatia. Catholic Slavs who think they’re Austrians, basically: not a bad mix. Many of my friends, the Spiked lot – ie former Revolutionary Communist Party – turn puce if you mention the name of the country. My mate Mick Hume, for example, wouldn’t
Match 2: Switzerland 1 (Carl Jung 49) Wales 1 (Carl Jung og 74) Ah, the perils of arrogance and a superiority complex. Switzerland – historically perhaps the most over-achieving international football side in the world, alongside Uruguay – were hammering the Welsh. Mollocating them. This was a case of complete dominance; quick, incisive passing which
Game One Turkey 0 Italy 3 The start of the tournament and the first game was overshadowed by the exciting news that Scotland’s players intend to kneel, when they play England next week. They had originally not intended to ‘take a knee’ – thinking it rightly (to judge from their press statements) a pointless and
Grade: A– Imagine a really disgusting and immoral scientific experiment in which the members of Weather Report, the Mahavishnu Orchestra, King Crimson and Wire were somehow fused together into a giant caterpillar or something. This album is the kind of racket the forlorn creature might make. It sits in that usually arid zone where prog
