Paul Wood

‘Take me to your leader’s Twitter feed.’

‘Let’s face it, the world is getting to be a more dangerous place.’

‘Do they have to make such a song and dance about it?’

‘Before we link hands, can we first use the hand-sanitising gel?’

‘I predict a long journey… looking for a new job.’

‘You need to man up, Mr Hulk. This is the UK, we’re all angry.’

‘What do you mean, asking for a kiss is now considered a hate crime?’

‘He’s invented the Samsung phone.’

‘His thyroid is fine, but everything else is underactive.’

‘Before I talk to him, check him for migrants.’

‘I got top Marx.’

‘Look, Joaquin! The great British bake-off!’

‘Great, innit, being a sporting superpower?’

‘We’ve just been on a staycation — we spent the whole week stranded at Dover.’

‘There’s been a change of plan. We’re going to need two venues…’

‘It’s come to our attention that you’re not a mother…’