Paul Wood

‘Sorry if it shatters the illusion but today is our collection day.’

‘And on your left you can see another stabbing...’

‘A final request? Can I check my phone one last time?’

‘Maybe this would change your mind about giving me some antibiotics?’

‘Thank you for buying your wheel from us. We wondered if you’d mind participating in a short survey about your purchase?’

‘Phwoar, that Theresa May’s a bit of all right.’

‘Is everything OK with your meal? Your child isn’t running wild in our restaurant.’

‘The beer costs the same – we just don’t talk about Trump.’

‘… and it’s 100 per cent endorsed by Gwyneth Paltrow…’

‘That racket is the dawn chorus.’

‘You’re not by any chance related to George Osborne?’

‘How do we blame this on Corbyn?’

‘I wanted to buy it but then I realised we couldn’t afford it.’

‘Oh there’s plenty of beds, but all our nurses have gone to work at Tesco.’

‘No thanks — Mum brought us up on quinoa, chia seeds and kale