Paul Wood

‘Can I swap this cow for those beans? I’ve just turned vegan.’

‘Who needs a brain when I could have a YouTube channel with three million subscribers?’

‘If you could just give me a moment to check my internet history…’

‘I’m at home enjoying some mixed doubles.’

‘Good news, Mr Billingham. I no longer have to refer to you as the “worried well”…’

‘Brexit!’

‘Brexit? I’m stockpiling for a new statue of Thatcher.’

‘Oh dear – I thought we were going to have a dry January.’

‘I don’t want her to grow up reading fairy tales where she’s rescued by Prince Charming.’

‘The children said they will be out to photograph it later.’

‘Brian’s off to watch the golf.’

‘There are rumours another crash could be on the way.’

‘Fancy a dip?’

‘That? Oh, I’m trying to tap into the younger generation.’

‘Sorry if it shatters the illusion but today is our collection day.’

‘And on your left you can see another stabbing...’

‘A final request? Can I check my phone one last time?’