Paul Wood

‘Apparently we need a TV licence.’

‘I got the M25 down to a walking pace but nobody noticed.’

‘We have cancelled your bank account: you can pass go, but you can’t collect £200…’

‘Dog-friendly pub? That was the previous owners.’

‘I’m sorry for that outburst, I’ve been binge-watching Succession.’

‘Racist, misogynistic, homophobic...but enough about me...’

‘We’re arresting him for misinformation.’

‘Lucky sods!’

‘Waiter, there’s a Van Gogh in my soup.’

‘Oh, I’m just at home trying to save energy.’

‘Have you tried asking Elon Musk?’

‘You do realise that’s a watercolour.’

‘Have you tried eating more protein? It will make you feel fuller for longer.’

‘Yeah, yeah, tell me something I don’t know.’

‘Any chance of a first opinion?’