Paul Wood

‘Let your dad rest. He’s spent all day pounding the tweets...’

‘Shouldn’t you be influencing somebody?’

‘I’m confused – is this a Tory doom and gloom or Labour doom and gloom?’

‘Relax, you won’t see two-tier policing at this station...’

‘It’s all Jacob does since he lost his seat’

‘David Tennant has found his nemesis.’

‘There are a lot of independents hoping to win this constituency.’

‘Can you tell me what the money will be used for?’

‘He said don’t make him look all King Charlesy.’

‘I have a confession. I’ve never tried his recipes – I just like saying Ottolenghi.’

‘And do you promise to love, honour and not change gender?’

‘Taylor Swift eats her broccoli.’

‘He’s right, kids, there’s nothing here that bans short selling.’

‘Never swap a boot for a croc...’

‘It’s a lifestyle choice – my wife hates me snoring in bed.’

‘It’s even harder to read – there’s a chapter dedicated to pronouns.’

‘Apparently he’s some kind of systems analyst.’