Nick Newman

‘You can tell it’s fresh – you can smell the sewage.’

‘You go down the rabbit hole – I’ll stick with social media.’

‘How racist can I be for a grand?’

‘Dad, I hope you’re not using ChatGPT to write my essay!’

‘Is this the interval or are they on strike?’

‘Relax – it isn’t ultra processed.’

‘After all they’ve been through, you have to admire the resilience of the British people.’

‘All present and politically correct, Sah!’

‘So what’s new? People become Christians to avoid going somewhere unpleasant.’

‘Four years on from leaving Europe, how’s it going?’

‘I’m sorry, Spoon, but I think it’s safer to run off with a knife.’

‘I believe NHS dentists exist though I’ve never actually seen one.’

‘At least a thermonuclear bomb should warm things up a bit.’

‘Due to manpower shortages, I can’t find enough men for a press gang.’

‘This is the Red Sea – I’m not taking chances.’

‘All I want for Christmas is UHU.’