Nick Newman

‘That’s Sir Ed Davey’s seat.’

‘If they’ve freed Julian Assange there’s hope for us all.’

‘These days it’s almost impossible to find a Tory.’

‘I’m really excited about being apathetic.’

‘At least there isn’t any sewage.’

‘Are we attacking Starmer for being sleepy or woke?’

‘I’m War – I got conscripted.’

‘Just to warn you – there’s an election coming.’

‘We will only accept anyone.’

‘It’s safer than having him baptised in the Thames.’

‘It’ll be a lot scarier once it’s renationalised.’

‘I’m doing workshy experience.’

‘Oh no – I got hideously drunk and posted something moderate and inoffensive!’

‘I never thought I’d catch a glimpse of an actual royal residence.’

‘Call me a wolf and I’ll have you arrested!’