Tell yonder peasant
‘Tell yonder peasant that the winter fuel allowance is cancelled.’
Nick Newman
Monday
May I remind the audience
‘May I remind the audience to turn mobile phones on.’
Wednesday
A few inappropriate remarks and it was back to waiting tables
‘A few inappropriate remarks and it was back to waiting tables.’
Wednesday
We need you to be Archbishop of Canterbury
‘We need you to be Archbishop of Canterbury.’
Wednesday
It’s a shot in the arm for anti-vaxxers
‘It’s a shot in the arm for anti-vaxxers.’
You’ve got what it takes
‘You’ve got what it takes to be the Archbishop of Canterbury!’
Wednesday
All new Tesla
‘There are no brakes and it’s back-seat drive.’
Oh no!
‘Oh no! Sequels are always worse than the original!’
Wednesday
Thanks to inheritance tax
‘Thanks to inheritance tax, it’s more of a “won’t”.’
Hooray! Early release!
‘Hooray! Early release!’
Wednesday
Let us hope and pray
‘Let us hope and pray it’s before the Budget.’
Weight-loss jab
‘I’m afraid the weight loss jab may not necessarily get you work, Mr Blobby.’
Wednesday
Alex Salmond insisted on independence
‘Alex Salmond insisted on independence.’
I’m waiting to see what’s in the Budget
‘I’m waiting to see what’s in the Budget.’
Wednesday
I hope this doesn’t degenerate into a Tory leadership contest
‘I hope this doesn’t degenerate into a Tory leadership contest.’
The school bully
‘The school bully made me dance a perfect foxtrot.’
Wednesday
Eaten granny
‘The boy who identifies as a wolf has eaten Granny!’
Wednesday
How much access can I get for a pair of trousers?
‘How much access can I get for a pair of trousers?’
FOMO means
‘I’m worried I’m the only one who doesn’t know what FOMO means.’
Wednesday
The fighting’s better
‘I’ve got tickets to the Tory conference – the fighting’s better.’
