Matt Percival

‘All the reviews are one star.’

‘Have you tried prompting him?’

‘I hear they just had an earthquake.’

‘I have thousands stashed in secret accounts that my husband knows nothing about.’

‘I used disappearing messages.’

‘I think you’ve had enough.’

‘I hope nobody notices that the galaxy is 10 per cent smaller.’

‘I have intrusive thoughts.’

‘Do we still take cash?’

‘There’s no school because the building isn’t safe.’

‘Which free tote goes best?’

‘This is where they buried the cheaper broadband deals.’

‘What a day.’

‘Is the food ultra processed?’

‘I believe what sets me apart is my unique perspective as a bald, white, middle-aged male.’

‘Do I look sexy or am I trying too hard?’

‘If you don’t talk then I’ll be forced to hurt your feelings.’