Mary Killen

Q. My son-in-law is running the Paris marathon to raise money for cystic fibrosis research and has sent out a mail shot to friends and family asking to be sponsored via justgiving.com. He has had a fabulous response. Some people have posted supportive messages alongside their names but have chosen to conceal the amount of money they are donating. Yet two supporters, who have been spectacularly generous, have anonymised their names –although not the giant sums of money that they have pledged. My son-in-law would like to know who these people are – what do you suggest he do? – A.E., Pewsey A. For practical reasons certain people make a deliberate choice to remain anonymous when giving money. Think it through.

Q. I have just returned from a holiday where I was the guest of someone extremely rich. She was emphatic that everything would be covered and I must not even think of bringing a present. However, after one lunch in a restaurant, I felt driven to make a gesture and quietly asked the waiter for the bill. The sum involved was the equivalent of two months’ rent for me, but worse, no one noticed I had paid.  When the time came, everyone just got up to leave and I realised our host has an account with the restaurant, so she would not have noticed either. How, without being vulgar, can I let her know the financial sacrifice I made in a sincere, if misguided, attempt to show my appreciation? – Name and address withheld A.

Q. I’m very fond of a neighbour in our village and we see a lot of each other. She has told me she has got X, an acquaintance of mine, coming to stay and wants to bring her over for a drink before lunch on the Sunday. The trouble is X is a decorator and will ask if she can look around the house. I happen to know that she’s very nosy and indiscreet – but how can I say no? – Name and address withheld A. Why not pretend to be enthusiastic about the visit and then, on the day before, ring to say you are longing to see X but cannot possibly have anyone in your house as you have had the rat man in and there are disgusting smells emanating from under the floorboards – can you switch venues to your neighbour’s house? Q.

Q. Do you agree with me that it is very bad manners to ask for a wifi code as soon as you walk into a lunch in someone else’s house? I have a centrally located, although cramped, flat in Soho and am very happy to cook for friends and friends of friends, but it is a tough act to pull off single-handedly and it throws me when people ask for the wifi code as if supplying this is no more time-consuming than telling them where the loo is. Moreover, surely you should not even think of checking your emails and WhatsApps when invited to a non-professional lunch? – P.R., London W1 A.

Q. I used to work for a well-known decorator and have now branched out on my own. Some friends of my parents have asked me if I’d like to redecorate their reception rooms. They’re very nice people and I think they have partly given me the work to help me establish myself. I’m a few weeks into the project and the awkward thing is that they are pushing me into ordering fabrics etc that are pretty hideous, and I’m worried I shall be marked down by people who could be prospective clients as a decorator with no clue as to how to decorate a room with taste. – Name and address withheld A. There are more than enough decorators with good taste.

Q. I must be the only person with this problem but I would really welcome a solution. I have a lovely neighbour in the flat below who happily has my dog to stay when I go away. She also holds a set of keys to my flat so she can check all is well. This time I came back a day earlier than expected and couldn’t understand why my neighbour seemed flustered and embarrassed to see me. Now I find that my home massage gun, which I use to de-tense my neck and shoulders, is missing from my work table. I can only conclude that my neighbour couldn’t resist borrowing it, had meant to return it, but was flummoxed by my early return. Of course I forgive her but how can I possibly save her face? – Name and address withheld A.

Q. My husband had my portrait painted for my 40th birthday and everyone says it is an amazing likeness. Now his business partner wants the same artist to capture his wife on canvas. We are anxious because, as my husband says, the wife is ‘no looker’ and the artist is not one to give a rose-tinted view of one of her sitters. Should we tactfully discourage this commission? – J.S., Northants A. Consider these words from one leading portraitist: ‘You want to reproduce the humanity, the character, rather than the appearance. Glamorous people are a nightmare to paint. As an artist I far prefer the “non-glamorous”. You can manipulate the situation – on the pose, don’t show too much of the face – have them looking slightly away.

Q. I did a one-year cookery course in London a couple of years ago and then set myself up in business. Someone I know, who did the course prior to me and is an established dinner-party caterer, has been passing on to me work she can’t do (if she already has a booking on that night, for example). A couple of these people have told me they prefer my style of cooking and won’t be using her again. This puts me in an awkward position and I don’t know how to explain that I am getting repeat business from her introductions. – S.R., Wantage A. Business is business and it could drive more salt into any perceived (by you) wound if you don’t acknowledge these switchover clients. Write a breezy email saying: ‘Thank you so much for the introductions to X and Y.

Q. When people come to stay for house parties, my husband – who already works a 60-hour week – does a lot of the unseen chores. He’s in charge of fires, drinks, seating plans, arranging outings, and he pays for everything. We are in our sixties and I know it is traditional etiquette to write and thank the ‘lady of the house’, but my husband really feels rather miffed that no one ever mentions him in their thank-you letters. How should I most tactfully encourage people to address their thank-you letters to both of us, rather than just to me, without seeming bossy? – G.M., West Sussex A. It may be more effective to clink your glass during dinner on the Saturday night and toast your husband for his huge contribution in the way of unseen chores.

Q. At my request, a friend arranged an invitation to lunch at an exclusive sporting club in a well-known resort. The friend did not accompany us, and on arrival my wife and I discovered our host to be a very senior member of the club and we were expected to join him at his own table. As lunch drew to a close and conversation flagged, I asked if I could walk around and inspect the various pictures of celebrity members, sportsmen, statesmen etc, which adorned the walls. In the course of my peregrination I was recognised by other club members who were eager to engage me in conversation. After a while my wife came up to me and told me our host was becoming annoyed at my absence.

Q. I am executor of a deceased bachelor whose will is clear that I should distribute his estate to his long-standing friends. There is no mention of what to do with family photos and heirlooms, which have little market value, but he hung on to them for sentimental reasons. I had thought to offer them to his two surviving blood relatives who are second cousins (and siblings to one another) and who, apart from a small pecuniary legacy, get nothing. Unfortunately, these relatives don’t talk to each other and cannot agree to fair shares each. What should I do? – D.L., Newcastle-under-Lyme A. Issue a photographic inventory of the sentimental items. Send a copy to each sibling and ask them to put their preferences in a long league table. Allocate accordingly.

Q. I have been in the wine trade all my working life. This has its pros and cons – dining at friends’ houses, for example, they invariably try to catch me out by serving decanted wine which I have to try to identify. My problem is that I am 50 this year and we have decided to celebrate with a large party. I realise, from comments made, that the pressure is on to serve top wines. I simply can’t afford these. How can I get round this without appearing stingy? – Name and address withheld A. Redirect the pressure by designing the party around wine discovery. Ask each guest to bring along their favourite best-value wine for under £20. You will judge and award a small prize to the ‘best in show’. Once opened, the bottles will be shared among the guests.

Q. I invited a rather wonderful, single (and fairly shy) man to supper. I had hoped to pair him with a single friend of mine and during the evening they got on extremely well. The problem is that, although I have received a thank-you postcard, he made no mention of my friend. We are both keen for feedback – what should we do? – Name and address withheld A. Shy men need confirmation that an overture would not be repulsed before they dare to make a move. Telephone him to say you have found a coat in your house and wonder if he left it behind. Use this call to communicate the favourable impression he made on your friend and to probe for his reaction. Q.

Q. I have been invited (solo, not with my long-term partner) to a wedding next year. The format appears to be: ceremony, drinks reception, then the main wedding party is dining together before we all get back together for an evening celebration. In the hiatus, guests are encouraged to eat in one of the local restaurants – a list is provided. How do I discreetly find out which of my friends might be attending? I texted a friend who I assumed would be invited, only to get ‘NFI’ as a response. I’m now wary of approaching others. – Name and address withheld A. It is quite acceptable to go directly to the bride or groom and ask them to identify any of your friends with whom you might arrange to join up during the hiatus.

From Henry Blofeld Q. The other day I went to an all-male dinner party of about 20 people in a highly respectable club. I spent the first few minutes shaking hands with most of the other people there and was horrified to find that quite a number of them kept their left hands in their trouser pockets while I did so. I was brought up to believe that this is extremely discourteous and I think it looks so sloppy. I have no idea what the official etiquette is, but I am delighted to have been given the chance to find out. What do you think, Mary? A. The official etiquette? It is extremely bad manners to keep one hand in a pocket during an introduction – the atavistic reason being fear of a concealed weapon.

Q. I am a great admirer of Dr Jordan Peterson so am naturally inclined to want to discuss his ideas with others. Last week, however, the man next to me at my niece’s wedding took umbrage when I mentioned Dr Peterson’s name and that I was a fan. This fellow guest turned out to be a vehement opponent and became quite heated as he tried to re-educate me. He was insistent that I reverse my favourable views but I wouldn’t back down. I would not want to create similar tension again at a social event with such an unexpected reaction. Ironically, our hosts had put us next to one another because they considered we had much in common. Any thoughts, Mary, about how best to avoid this pitfall in future? – Name and address withheld A.

Q. My father missed my mother so much after 50 years together that, following her death, he married again. I make every effort with my new stepmother but we have nothing in common. To be frank, common is the operative word. What I really mind is that when he and I meet alone for our weekly lunches, this distinguished man now reeks of the fabric conditioner with which she washes his clothes. He lost his sense of smell years ago so has no idea what he smells like. How can I tell her that in the world into which she has married, fabric conditioner is never used? – Name and address withheld A. Say nothing. If you do, you risk your stepmother having an excuse to fall out with you and thereby limit your meetings with your father. Instead purchase a product called ‘Poo-Pourri’.

Q. I have given in to pressure from a talented godson and agreed to introduce him to a successful businessman whom my godson thinks he could work with. Knowing them both well, I believe he is right. I have arranged a dinner party at my house but we are going to be four men and four women at the (round) table so it would look a bit obvious and pushy to put the two men beside one another. A complication is that the successful one cannot arrive until just before we sit down so they won’t be able to talk beforehand. Any suggestions, Mary? – J.W., London W8 A. Seat the senior protagonist on your right and the junior on your left. After the main course explain that you must go into the kitchen to attend to the final dish.

Q. I have noticed in various publications celebrating the King’s 75th birthday that he has been formally photographed with his tie tucked into his trouser belt. I am not sure about this look. Perhaps you might be kind enough to advise? After all, if His Majesty does adopt this, perhaps we few remaining tie wearers should follow suit. – N.C., Stanton St Bernard, Wilts A. Gentlemen go for small, rather than chunky, knots. This leaves them with a longer wide side flapping around. Boris used to leave his overspill dangling to thigh level. HM provides an alternative solution. Neither is very elegant. However, what naturally springs to mind is the Osbert Lancaster cartoon showing Lady Littlehampton pronouncing: ‘If it’s me, it’s U.