Mary Killen

Dear Mary... Q. My daughter, aged 19, is proposing to take out a student loan in order to have her teeth whitened. It is not the borrowing of money I object to so much as the fact that her own teeth are not in any way discoloured. Please help quickly, Mary, as I am certain her natural look really could not be bettered.E.O., London SW18 A. Since ‘Frankenteeth’, as they might be dubbed, look Tippex-white under strobe lighting, ask your daughter to attend a few discos and spot the flashers before she goes ahead. Like toupees being blown off in the wind, bleached teeth can cause great embarrassment when they are unmasked as artifice. Even in daylight hours the most expensively whitened teeth can jar in a face.

Dear Mary... Q. I like to attend parties if I am invited but, despite the fact that most of my friends are in their forties, they seem to have an unfortunate tendency to want loud music to be playing during these parties, even when there is no dancing opportunity. I find that this means I come away with a sore throat from shouting to make myself heard. What do you suggest, Mary?R.C., London W2 A. The best way around this is to trigger a verbal torrent from your interlocutor so you don’t have to use your own voice. There are various subjects which will encourage a decent outflow. Why not inquire, ‘You look so healthy. How do you do it?’ Or, with regard to your host or hostess, ‘How did you first meet so-and-so?’ Even, ‘Have you been clamped recently?

Dear Mary... Q. I sent a thank-you letter for dinner to a couple whom I know only slightly. In the thank-you letter, I asked them to dinner. I have had no reply and the date has come and gone. Does this mean that they didn’t get the thank-you letter — in which case they will think me rude for not thanking them? Should I write again? Or does it mean that they are rude in not replying to my invitation? V.I., London W12 A. Rudeness is unlikely. If they live in London, where the post is now so bad that party invitations are frequently sent by hand or by email, they may not have received your letter. The other possibility is that they saw you had sent a thank-you letter, assumed it was all guff, and didn’t bother reading it all the way through.

Dear Mary... Q. I am becoming increasingly annoyed by friends and acquaintances who think it is acceptable to snort coke. At civilised dinner parties, we find increasingly that someone will bring it out in a pathetic attempt to show they are still young and groovy and rather good fun. Living in seedy west London and working with people whose relations have been murdered in turf wars, I am becoming more and more incensed at the irresponsibility of this behaviour by people who should know better but are well protected from the consequences of their actions. How do we deal with this without ruining everybody's party? Name and address withheld A. Why not play devil’s advocate by blandly proposing a debate — ‘Does cocaine fall under the umbrella of Fair Trade?

Dear Mary... Q. I am a 22-year-old man and I recently left university. While I had thought that I would at least be engaged to be married by now, the truth is that I find it almost impossible to date girls. It seems to me that girls of my age adopt a herd-like strategy when they go out, making it terrifying or threatening for boys to approach them individually. When you do so, if you talk to one girl, the others in the herd all stare expectantly or titter. On top of this, every time I pass a news-stand, I see girls’ magazines shouting out ‘demand four orgasms a night from your man’ and similar. The girls all seem so confident, yet most of my male friends feel as reticent as I do. What should we do, Mary?M.G.B., Boars Hill, Oxford A.

Dear Mary... Q. I design clothes and have rented a small shop in west London from which to purvey my wares while maintaining my primary residence on the Welsh borders. I am in London for only three days a week but am trying to keep costs down. I therefore have installed a day bed in the back room of the shop which I find perfectly comfortable. There is a lavatory downstairs and if I want to have a shower I can do so at the Lansdowne Club. The trouble is that my subscription is coming up for renewal and I am wondering whether I can cut costs even further by going to ‘public baths’. Is there such a thing in the Notting Hill area or are they a thing of the past? Name withheld, Hay-on-Wye A.

Dear Mary... Q. What should a host do when two sets of guests are at daggers drawn? It was supposed to be a jolly house party last weekend but my sister plus family of four got on very badly with a colleague of my wife’s who had brought his family of four. The atmosphere went sour following a row over the three-minute silence, but this was really just a mask for the general dyspepsia suffered by my wife’s colleague, who drinks and eats too much and whose business is going badly. The general merriment and air of celebration which should have prevailed was effectively stymied by the stand-off. How can a host make sure people who never really meant to fall out in the first place can make friends again and still save face? H.S., Dorset A.

Dear Mary... Q. My parents own a house in Cornwall which they normally rent out at New Year for a huge sum of money. This year they very kindly allowed me to have it and to invite ten friends from uni. It all went really well and everyone had a brilliant time. My problem is that although my guests all thanked me — mostly orally, in some cases by texting — I am worried that none of them will get round to thanking my parents in writing. It may not even occur to them to do so. How can I tactfully remind them to get on with these bread-and-butter letters? My parents are old-fashioned about these things and my friends’ idleness would certainly impact on my opportunity to take the house again. S.G., Exeter A. Do not bother being tactful.

Dear Mary... Q. I have a huge crush on a man who works in the same building as I do, but on a different floor. He lives quite near me but, although I have bumped into him on the Tube from time to time and in the lobby of our building and he seems to find me not unattractive, he has made no attempt to see me outside work. I have a friend and ally who works on his floor and chats a lot to him. She says he definitely does not have a girlfriend and definitely is not gay. She says he is just shy. How can I push things forward, Mary?Name withheld, London E14 A. Put up an advert on the staff noticeboard offering something irresistible that your friend and ally has deduced, through chatting, that the man in question is in need of.

Once again Mary has invited some of her favourite members of the prominentii to submit queries for her consideration. From Toby YoungQ. I am a theatre critic currently appearing in a one-man show in the West End. Not surprisingly, several of my colleagues have been less than generous about my performance. One in particular, a man I’ve always had a very congenial relationship with, was absolutely vicious, saying he hoped I’d leave the country. When I resume my duties as a critic, I’ll inevitably bump into this man two or three times a week and I’m not sure how to behave. Should I just pretend I didn’t read his review and greet him in the normal manner? Or should I abandon all attempts to maintain friendly relations?A.

Dear Mary... Q. In Scotland the Celtic tradition favours the female line (hence hereditary titles passing to daughters in the absence of an immediate male heir). In my opinion it would therefore be entirely appropriate for G.C. (4 December) to wear his wife’s tartan at a reeling party, provided (as stated) it is worn with respect. Highland dress and Scottish country dancing make a colourful combination, but if your correspondent has further reservations I suggest he might consider acquiring a pair of tartan trews. Roddy Martine, Edinburgh A. There is logic in your argument. However, my straw poll of Scottish noblewomen with English husbands revealed that the majority would be horrified if their husbands dressed in a kilt.

Q. At 50, I was entitled to retirement which left me free to start an easier career and I got a job as a driver/valet to a young Saudi Arabian who owns a racing stud. I enjoy the work and we get on well. As is correct, I call him ‘Sir’ and he addresses me by my surname. Trouble is, so does his personal assistant, who is posh but a slip of a girl. She does so in front of my daughter, who is older than her. How can I get her to see that I resent her calling me by my surname without upsetting the applecart? Perhaps I sound petty and ridiculous, but you have no idea how it riles me; I suppose because it makes me feel inferior and reminds me of the change in status I should have come to terms with by now.G.M., Derbyshire A.

Dear Mary... Q. Last week I went to a private view of Craigie Aitchison’s new pictures. I have always been a fan of his and having had a windfall I was looking forward to purchasing one of his compositions. I asked a gallery assistant for a price list — a reasonable request, one might think, but her response was, ‘We don’t do price lists. However, if you were interested in a particular picture we might be able to help.’ I was left feeling snubbed and so pursued the matter no further. How should I have replied? Name and address withheld A. You could have pulled a sympathetic face and said, ‘Oh sorry, I didn’t mean to put you on the spot. Poor you, not having a price list. Do you find it puts a lot of buyers off?’ Q.

Dear Mary... Q. I don’t know whether you can help me but I thought it worth a try. About 15 years ago, I was charged, while on holiday in Australia, with a very minor offence which I felt was quite unjustified, and did not feel disposed to cancel my flight three days later and wait to appeal in court more than two weeks later. (I might also have lost my job, if I was three weeks’ late home.) I would now like to visit Australia again and am wondering if I will be turned back at the airport and/or charged with the original alleged offence and/or arraigned for skipping the country. I have recently been granted a visa to visit the country but this may not mean I won’t be arrested.

Dear Mary... Q. I have written a perfectly good book and would like to see it published. I have, however, given up sending it to conventional publishers. They are not interested and I know this is because I have lived happily in Norfolk for 20 years and can’t be bothered to go to London. The upshot is that I am no longer on the so-called scene. I thought I would never stoop to having a book vanity-published, but now I learn that Felix Dennis has done just that but, rather than using one of the embarrassing imprints, he apparently got Hutchinson to do it for him. Could I too, Mary, have a book published by Hutchinson, if I paid for it? T.B., Norfolk A.

Dear Mary... Q. My wife and I were recently delighted to receive what appeared at first glance to be an invitation to the wedding of the eldest son of friends. On closer examination we were less pleased to discover that the wedding is to take place in Las Vegas, and our participation is only requested in that we are invited to witness the event on the Internet. The bride and groom have included instructions on how to do this, and a link to the John Lewis website where they have a wedding present list to which we are encouraged to contribute. Am I an old fuddy-duddy in considering the entire thing insulting? My instinct is to send the couple another link to a page on my own website where they may see my ‘virtual’ present, which may be of a nice set of sheets or something.

Q. From time to time three friends and I have enjoyed an occasional game of mixed doubles. Over the past couple of years my tennis partner has seen rapid promotion in the publishing company in which she works and corresponding with her success at work we have noticed an uncharacteristic and growing display of aggression on court. Indeed, our friend’s net play has recently become so threatening that when her racket comes into contact with the tennis ball, the opposition now frequently turn their backs in the forlorn hope of avoiding the ball thundering over the net and causing serious bodily injury. The last straw occurred a couple of weeks ago when our female opponent narrowly avoided a visit from the emergency services (all the while maintaining her rictus smile).

Dear Mary... Q. As the father of two young daughters, I naturally want their upbringing to be as happy as possible and part of this, I understand, involves toys and dolls. However, my wife and I are forever being given our friends’ plastic cast-offs. We have reached the limit of plastic fruit, crockery, cutlery or Lego. Our little Fulham house increasingly resembles a municipal dump; my wife is constantly tidying up. How can I dissuade our ‘kind’ friends from off-loading their unwanted plastic on to us or buying yet more cheap birthday/Christmas presents that keep the girls occupied only for the time that it takes to rip open the paper? Books, clothes, shoes or donations to school fees, on the other hand, would be genuinely welcomed. Name withheld, London A.

Q. I am a lady d’un certain age. I am by repute convivial, kind, obliging and an excellent bridge player. Unfortunately I have introduced three very boring women to each other and they insist on playing very bad bridge with me. At the end of each afternoon they produce diaries to fix the next date. How can I avoid them without seeming rude? Name and address withheld A. I am delighted to be able to offer a life-enhancing solution to this problem. Charlie Hunter, of the recently launched London Bridge Club, with whom I have discussed it, informs me that potential new members are welcome to come to his club for free trial lessons.

Dear Mary... Q. My problem concerns the wording of an invitation. My husband will be 50 years old in January and we are giving a party for about 300 people. Without wishing to seem ungrateful, he actually is the man who has everything, and he dreads being given hundreds of new things he doesn’t want, to say nothing of having to write hundreds of thank-you letters for them. Yet we both think there is something a bit killjoy about having ‘No Presents’ on an invitation. What is the most tactful wording, Mary? Or should I let people bring the presents and just divide them between our staff later?Name withheld, Stockbridge, Hampshire A.