Mary Killen

Q. The other night I took my parents to an upmarket eatery to celebrate my birthday. The food, wine and service were exceptional, but the music was so loud that one had to shout to be heard. My father suffers from slight deafness and had great difficulty hearing the conversation. Two polite requests to turn the volume down were met with straight refusals, which ruined the evening for my father and left us all feeling a bit flat. Given the trend of increasingly loud music in restaurants, is there any advice you can give those of us who prefer to talk to, rather than shout at, those we’re eating with? N.P., Perth, Western Australia A. Some diners prefer background music to become foreground since mental vacuity can thereby be masked.

Q. What should I do when other people in church begin clapping, for example following a confirmation service or a wedding? I cannot bring myself to endorse this terrible breach of etiquette by clapping myself, but it seems terribly pompous not to join in with the enthusiastic crowd. Name and address withheld A. Clapping is quite out of place in church but we must be thankful for the presence there of those who do not know this. Just act daft, as do those who do not wish to offer the sign of peace. Either kneel and pray or simply stare ahead with a silly look on your face. The moment soon passes. Q. I have been invited to a wedding in Ireland. I have an aunt, who lives almost next door to the bride’s home, with whom I can stay for the weekend.

Q. May I pass on a tip to readers? I always used to feel a bit embarrassed if, when leaving a drinks party at about 9 p.m., people stopped me to ask where I was going. Usually I am going back to a dreary supper on my own but it seems so dull to say so. Moreover, admitting it often leaves one open to being corralled into an expensive and protracted restaurant experience. I have now found that the Daily Telegraph Court & Social pages are a useful source of inspiration for these occasions. Before going out I simply check the Today’s Birthdays column. If caught short, I claim that I am on my way to a dinner to celebrate the birthday of some obscure lord-lieutenant or admiral whose name I have seen listed in that morning’s paper. P.T., London SW3 A.

Q. I am of an age when I’m invited to coming-of-age parties for my friends’ children. As several of them are well-heeled and the children over-indulged, it has become customary to buy very lavish gifts, which I find ostentatious and can ill afford. I like attending these functions, and relish the opportunity to catch up with old friends. So I devised a trick: I write a thoughtful card, stick a piece of sticky tape to it and then artfully attach a ripped piece of wrapping paper. On arrival, I slip my card among the groaning pile of gifts. To date there have been no repercussions. I hope that the sentiments of the card have been appreciated and the accidental detachment from the gift has been glossed over.

Q. A dear friend was recently introduced to a woman my wife and I dimly recall as a casual acquaintance from our children’s schooldays whom we had found rather aggressive. She asked for our telephone number, explaining what splendid friends we used to be and, unaware of our true sentiments towards this woman, our friend gave it. We ignored the message she left on our machine. Now she is pressing our friend to organise a get-together, suggesting we probably didn’t get the answer-phone message. How do we save our friend embarrassment and avoid meeting up with our one-time acquaintance? Name and address withheld A. Press 141 to achieve ‘number withheld’ and ring the woman from your mobile while holding your radio, set to interference, up to the receiver.

Q. Further to your correspondence with ‘name withheld’ of Yokohama, I have a recurring problem with my beautiful Japanese wife of many years and I was wondering if you could help. Here in Australia, when meeting people for the first time, they often ask, ‘Where did you meet your wife?’ I then usually explain that we met here in Australia. But if they do not ask, therein lies the problem because I know they may be silently coming to the wrong conclusion. It is common here for desperate, lonely farmers to purchase ‘mail order’ brides from the Philippines and other poor countries. My worry is that I don’t want people to think that that was how we came to be together.

Q. My wife and I live in a very pretty, modestly sized farmhouse. It comes with two barns to scale and since long before I met her, friends, and friends of friends, have been in the habit of asking my saintly wife to store things for them, while they get their lives and accommodation together. Now both barns are completely full and we cannot use them ourselves at all. The worst offender is taking up one whole barn. This dear woman, who was turned out of her previous house, perhaps for having 22 cats, had moved all her possessions into professional storage and was paying an iniquitous £125 a week. We told her she could pay us £50 a month but that she must pay, and the things must stay with us for no longer than six months.

Q. May I offer an alternative solution to the query from Yokohama last week? A 60-year-old man wrote that people complimented him on his girlfriend’s looks — but in a manner barely concealing amazement that he has managed to attract such a beauty. When this happens, I would suggest he reply: ‘Yes, I agree. And the wonderful thing is that everyone assumes I must be much richer than I actually am.’ N.P., Winchester A. Thank you. This complements my own suggested response. Apologies to T.E. of Yokohama to whose letter I attributed the wrong initials. Q.

Q. Before going into hospital for an eye operation, a good friend asked me if she could do anything to help when I came out. I thought this was a very kind gesture but I am now back at home and have not heard a word from her. Should I ignore this as pure forgetfulness or mention how surprised I am by her failure to enquire about my ordeal? A.L., London A. Do neither. Instead make the generous assumption that your friend is following the etiquette of not discussing illness. Guilt-mongering usually backfires so simply ask her for the help you need without ‘giving an organ recital’. This was the term used by the late Duke of Devonshire for the practice of describing operations. Q.

Q. My great-granddaughter’s parent’s relationship did not survive. The child’s mother now has another daughter. As I have the means to give my great-granddaughter education in the private sector, I have offered this, but the child’s mother wants both daughters educated at the same school for family harmony. Is there anything that you could suggest other than paying for both and using the inheritance of my great-granddaughter for this other non-related child? Thank you cordially. Name and address withheld A. I have consulted a veteran of the same dilemma. In the 1970s her very bright daughter was accepted at Godolphin, a London girls’ school which, at that time, was first choice for quality of education. Godolphin was then grant-aided and completely free.

Q. I am at a loss as to how to deal with a kind offer I’ve had from an artist to paint my portrait for free. Even though the artist kindly offers to arrange sittings around my schedule and work pro bono, etc, I am also pathologically impatient and the idea of ‘sitting’ at all, let alone in the same position for hours, fills me with panic and gloom. On the other hand, I am also quite vain and self-publicising and am not immune to the idea of being gifted a flattering rendition in oils of my fast-fading charms. How to respond? R.J., London WC1 A. Why not take your cue from ‘David’, the video-portrait made of David Beckham by Sam Taylor-Wood for the National Portrait Gallery? Fit the artist into your schedule by allowing her into your bedroom.

Q. For about four months there has been a noticeable divide between boys and girls at my school that came about through petty incidents and misunderstandings. This has left our (GCSE) year completely split between certain people and there is a sense of awkwardness. At the moment the future of the pupils’ happiness seems somewhat abysmal! I am affected by this split as I am one of the few who has not yet been affected by this divide. This leaves me in the middle of two groups of friends. I find this position demanding on my friendships with both girls and boys, especially as some of my closest friends are in conflict. Is there anything I can do to bring former friends together without being intrusive, or shall I just accept defeat and settle with one of the groups, i.e. the girls? A.

Q. Florentine society is notoriously difficult to penetrate, so a girl with whom I briefly shared a flat was delighted when I invited her to dinner and she met lots of my friends at the private art school I attend there. I also invited her to attend one of the brilliant lectures given every Thursday night by the principal of our school. The lectures are open to all but only a handful of non-students attend. The last two Thursdays this girl was waiting for me with an eager smile when I walked in, but Thursday nights are the only time I am with my fellow students when we are not all hard at work and we have a chance to talk and bond before and after the lecture. I do like her, but how can I circulate freely, without hurting her feelings but also without keeping her in tow?

Q. A friend rings every day to talk for hours about her life. While I do not mind acting as a sounding board or counsellor, I feel the whole thing is a bit one-sided, since she almost never asks how my life is going or only in the most perfunctory way. I feel it would be better for both of us if I were able to have some equity in this relationship. How should I gently point out that it would be only polite, to say nothing of humane, for her to show some reciprocal interest in my life? Name and address withheld A. Withhold from her all dramatic developments in your own life for a full month. There are bound to be some. Then have a mutual friend approach her to ask for the latest news on one of these dramas.

Q. New people have moved into our terraced street and made themselves very popular. Prior to their arrival everyone kept themselves to themselves in the typical London manner, but now there is a lot of what my husband calls ‘Coronation Street activity’ led by this very social, very community-minded couple. They are definitely a force for good, but my husband bitterly resents the threat to his privacy when one of them suddenly knocks on our front door out of the blue with something like Neighbourhood Watch news. No one other than the postman has knocked on our door (without ringing first or being invited) for 20 years until these new people came. Although the other neighbours clearly love it, we do not. We find it intrusive.

Q. I invited a couple to Sunday lunch in the country, giving six weeks’ notice. Having had no response after four weeks, I rang, not unreasonably, I thought, to prompt for one. The wife answered her mobile on a train. She apologised for her rudeness, claiming that she had a very complicated life and it was hard to know whether she would be in the country or not on the day in question. However, she promised to let me know within a couple of days. Nothing has happened. I am not going to chase her again, but if this couple is not coming, then I would like to invite two other people instead. Mutual friends say that the couple in question have a reputation for ringing at the very last moment to apologise for being flaky but to say they are available.

Q. My husband’s cousin is clever, kind and good-looking and has his own (rather grimy) flat. He works from home, and lives alone. Despite wanting to, he has never married. He and I are good friends and often have lunch. From time to time I have noticed a faint whiff from him but recently it has become quite disgusting. My husband refuses to say anything and a mutual friend tells me it is therefore my duty to tell him because it must be putting women off. What do you suggest? Name and address withheld A. Find a pretext to drop into his flat. Reel with revulsion as you come through the door screaming pleasantly, ‘What’s that smell?’ Boost his confidence by saying, ‘You and your flat have always smelt divine until this moment.

Q. On a recent visit to France, I met an old acquaintance from our village in England in the local market town. She invited me back to see her house and we went out to dinner that night and upon our return it became obvious that her intentions were amorous. Resisting her advances, I priggishly insisted on my own room for the night and retired to have a bath. The next morning I discovered that my treasured watch, left to me by my father, had disappeared from the bathroom, where I had left it the night before, beside my car keys, which were still there. Sadly the woman has form. She once removed a fax machine from a mutual friend’s house while he was away on holiday. Mary, how can I get my watch back, without actually having to call the woman a thief? Name and address withheld A.

Q. A new flatmate at university is very likeable but I get the feeling that she only half listens to what I have to say. When we are chatting at the kitchen table, for example, she interrupts me, often mid-story, to tell a story of her own. This will invariably be very entertaining but it still feels a bit insulting that she did not bother listening to the end of what I was saying. How can I tactfully cure her of this habit without making her feel that I am jealous of her being wittier or having more interesting names to drop than I do? Name withheld, Leeds A. If you were jealous you would allow her to continue with this bad habit. Nobody wants to feel that what they have to say is not worth listening to, just because somebody amusing is present to take the stage.

Q. A dear friend invited me to stay. There was a firm notice on the first landing saying ‘no dogs allowed upstairs’ but my little whippet is used to sleeping with me and she is very good. I smuggled her up to my room where, unfortunately, she had an accident within the bed. This is something which has never happened before. She must have had a tummy upset. Mary, I am a single man with no experience of laundry. I was leaving before dawn to go shooting and the help was not due in for a couple of hours. I felt I would be doing the right thing if I left the sheet to soak in my ensuite bathroom. Now my girlfriend points out that my hosts will attribute the accident to me, rather than to my dog, and I feel deeply embarrassed.