Mary Killen

Q. My grandson has just failed his driving test for the fifth time and yet I know, from his chauffeuring me everywhere, that he is an excellent driver. He is strikingly handsome and tall and I am convinced this prejudices the examiners against him. What would you recommend, Mary? — E.G., Alton, Hants A. Your grandson should aim towards growing enough hair for a mullet in time for his next driving test. This disfiguring haircut means that compassion should supplant any potential chippiness on the part of the next examiner and he will sail through with flying colours. Q. A neighbour and friend, who has been widowed before her time, is exhibiting some odd habits now she is living on her own.

Two years ago my quality of life began to go downhill. It happened when BT Openreach gave our old copper landline a compulsory upgrade to ‘Digital Voice’, meaning all calls would be made over wifi. A succession of visiting engineers failed to resolve the crackling and the cutting out on the new digital line or the uninstructed diversion of incoming calls to voicemail. Worse, the new digital service wouldn’t extend to the bedroom: ‘It’s an old cottage, you see, with thick walls.’ Never mind that for decades I had spent many happy hours per day lying in bed (like Mrs Stitch, my role model) organising jobs and romantic partners for friends, jigsawing together the data – unearthed by longform chatting over the copper landline – to make the matches.

Q. My daughter is temporarily living abroad and we communicate daily on WhatsApp. She’s always desperate for any local news/gossip and I try to send her what I know, so she doesn’t feel too far away from what’s going on. A fellow parent in the village has now told me that my daughter forwards these titbits directly to others, often citing me as the source. I don’t want to gain a reputation for gossiping but neither do I want her to feel cut off. By the way, I have already tried saying ‘Just between you and me’, but her generation seems unable to understand the concept of discretion. They apparently think all information is for sharing – even the sensitive stuff. What do you recommend I do, Mary? – Name and address withheld A.

Q. I went to a supper party and sat beside a man who seemed rather pleased with himself. He never once asked me a question about myself, but proceeded to tell me about his children. They seemed to all be super-successful in their fields… hedge-fund manager, top lawyer, etc. The problem was that he had seven, and I found it hard to keep concentrating. Luckily, by the time he was about to tell me about number five, we had to turn for the next course. Mary, what should I have done to have made the conversation less one-sided? – Name and address withheld A. You might have halted his flow by enthusing: ‘I’m so glad you’re daring to tell me all this.’ Pause.

Q. Every so often we’re invited to our friends’ house for lunch or dinner. It’s close by and the house is beautiful, warm and comfortable. But whatever time we’re asked to arrive for dinner or lunch, we don’t sit down to eat until at least two hours later. The back door of the house enters on to the kitchen and without fail a raw chicken or unpeeled potatoes will be sitting there when we arrive. How our friends came to believe that this much time spent with each other before the meal was a good idea is a mystery. Mary, how can I let them know it’s entirely unacceptable without hurting their feelings? – M.G., Connecticut, USA A.

Q. Around this time of year a successful friend likes to rent an expensive ski chalet with cook and fill it with friends. Guests pay for nothing except air fares and tips and he invariably invites me and my partner to join the house party. Regrettably, one thing does mar our enjoyment. Without exception, he always puts my partner and me in the worst room. We think he reasons that, since most of his guests are used to luxury and we are not, we will mind the worst room the least. But the fact is we love luxury too and would really enjoy an upgrade. We can’t think how to protest without seeming ungrateful and/or chippy, but can you see a solution, Mary? – W.B., London W5 A.

From Emma Barnett Q. What do I do about the fact that my friends are all scared of the telephone and its primary purpose? I loathe endless texting and yet I keep worrying people by actually calling them. How do I stop people answering the phone with a breathless: ‘What’s happened? Are you OK? Has someone died?’ As someone who effectively talks for a living, is there a way back? A. Most juniors do tend to react with alarm to a non-prepositioned phone call. Dispel fear with a text, festooned with laughing face emojis, asking: ‘Can you speak?’ Then dial the number. From Emily Maitlis Q.

Q. My godfather, who has managed to get me a valuable internship in the Far East, has also sent me a business-class ticket to fly out there in the new year. I have seen how much the ticket costs (£3,800) and would much prefer to cash it in, go economy (£694) and spend the balance when I am there. But would it be rude to suggest this? – Name and address withheld A. First check with your godfather that he meant to buy you a business-class ticket – his secretary may have done it in error. Then offer to go economy. If he refuses, then make the most of the opportunity, but don’t try to cash the ticket in as the airline’s computer is likely to inform him of the change. Q. I’m a bachelor and as a spare man I often get asked away for the weekend.

Q. A close friend of my own age, 52, has had various things done to her face and now looks different. She definitely looks younger than 52 – certainly when photographed – but in real life the effect is just weird. I feel I can’t properly communicate with her, i.e. ‘read’ her. I have said this to her but she clearly thinks I’m just envious because she’s offered to front the money for me to have the same treatment. We are at an impasse. How can I rescue this long-term friendship when I don’t enjoy interacting with a frozen face and dread seeing her? – S.H., London W11 A. No need to fall out with this old friend. You can still have a laugh with her over the phone, on a walk or on a long drive. Q.

Q. I live in a small house in Hampstead and have taken in a friend of a friend as a lodger. He pays me a reduced rent for use of one of my spare bedrooms. I like him, but the agreement was that he would occupy the room for two nights a week; this, however, has started to slip into him being there for three, and often four, weeknights each week. I am livid but don’t know what to say to him. Neither I nor the friend who put us in touch with each other has any idea whether he is taking advantage of me or has just become forgetful. He is a widower. How do you think I should tackle this?  – S.M., London NW3 A. Collude with an imaginary friend (let’s call her Bertha), who will play ball to help you solve this dilemma.

Q. A very likeable woman has joined the company I work for and also just moved to my village. I said I would give a drinks party for her so she could meet a few people. My husband told me we should have a cap of 20. Now my colleague has asked if she can bring her two twentysomething children and their partners. This skews the numbers slightly, but the bigger problem is that she has also asked three neighbours of mine who have never been in the house before. She said she ‘assumed they would be welcome’. Well, there is a reason these three have never been in my house, and without wanting to sound pompous, their being entertained by me will disrupt the social ecology of the village. They will start asking me back and I will have to spend years saying no.

Q. An extremely old friend is a successful purveyor of high-end goods. Last time we saw him he invited us to a forthcoming Christmas party in Mayfair for his clients and people who have helped him get clients. We never got the email invitation, so I texted him and he said: ‘Oh I’m so sorry, I didn’t send it. I’ll do it today.’ But two weeks later, still no sign of it. Do we just go to the party or not? If we don’t go we fear he might be cross that we had ‘taken offence’ when no written invitation arrived. Yet we also fear that he may have decided he doesn’t want us because he now has too many Big Spenders coming and doesn’t have room for us. – M.F., London SW3 A.

Q. Some friends of ours have an amazing house on the coast in Kenya. Every time we see them they are guaranteed to say ‘You must come to stay, you’d love it’ or something similar. No dates are ever forthcoming but we have decided we’d actually quite like to go this winter. How can we tie them down without making them feel pressurised by our having suggested dates? –  Name and address withheld A. Choose the dates which suit you, then contact them to say you are thinking of going to, for example, Tanzania, or other likely adjacent spot around that time. Is there any chance you could come to stay either before or afterwards?

Q. I was recently lent six books by a friend I see regularly for yoga. I was bemoaning the fact I didn’t have a novel on the go and she said she would bring one or two she has really enjoyed for me to borrow. I have read one and started another but I can tell they are not really for me. How do I get around this conundrum without insulting her taste in literature? – H.E., Tavistock, Devon A. Can you return them saying you ended up only reading one because you’ve rediscovered your passion for something like knitting? Also do say what you thought of the one you did read. As for insulting the taste of your friend, you are presuming too much to think that she will be insulted, rather than pitying you for your poor taste. Q.

Q. My son’s new girlfriend is really sweet but my husband and I find it annoying how she puts her hand in front of her mouth when she’s eating. A friend has told me that a lot of that generation do it for some reason. Any clever ideas as to how we could stop her, Mary? – Name withheld, Oxfordshire A. Gen Z (aged 13-28) often instinctively cover their mouths when eating for fear of social media consequences if photographed. However, the habit must stop now the girl has entered civilised society. Enlist  a compliant child, aged roughly six, to join you at the table and cover her own mouth when eating. When questioned by the grown-ups, the little girl can declare: ‘I’m copying “Lucy”!

Q. I am shortly to attend a big London party at which I will see many old acquaintances. However, first there was Covid, then I went to live in New York: so while other guests have been seeing each other on and off over the past five years, I have not. I will undoubtedly keep offending people as I fail to recognise those whose appearances have inevitably changed but who will have no difficulty recognising me as I am on television. Mary, how should I prepare for this? – P.M., London W8 A. Get hold of a pair of thick-lensed glasses – perhaps from a charity shop. Snap them in two at the bridge. Bring these out of your pocket when people approach and show them saying: ‘You’ll have to tell me who you are. I’ve just broken these and I can’t see a thing.’ Q.

Q. My printer is broken, so I asked my neighbour to print off a letter for me. It was from my doctor. I wanted to show it to my husband, who hates reading things on a computer. I hadn’t realised it had two attachments on the bottom with information of a very personal matter. Our neighbour kindly came round with the print-offs, including the attachments. We used to walk our dogs together but now I am so embarrassed I can’t look him in the face. What can I do? – Name and address withheld A. Contact the neighbour to arrange a dog walk as per normal. When you meet up, burst into gales of laughter and claim that you cannot believe that he fell for your practical joke: ‘We went to so much trouble to fake that letter and attachments.