Mary Killen

Q. I have enjoyed strained relations with my sister-in-law over many years. This Christmas she has chosen to donate her £15 gift to my 16-year-old daughter to a local charity, previously unknown to us, without any prior consultation. She has provided the charity with my daughter’s name and a message supposedly from her. My daughter is no stranger to charity-giving but would have preferred to exercise her personal choice and has been unsettled by her aunt’s dominance. My sister-in-law is a pedant with regards to manners and will expect a handwritten thank-you note. Mary, how can I proceed in this matter, which is causing anxiety to my daughter and a deep fury in me? – Name and address withheld A. Do not rise to this bait.

From Julian Fellowes Q. Whenever anyone asks me how to get a project off the ground, I say that getting a film made is pretty hard. So often the response is: ‘But you did it!’ The argument is a tough one to refute, as the implication is that clearly I myself am not possessed of any ability or talent, and so I back away, apologetic and, to be honest, slightly humiliated. What would you suggest? A. Englishmen like yourself have been bred to be self-deprecating – but there’s no need to overdo it. You might reply: ‘Yes, you’re quite right – even I managed it. And if you keep on persevering you’ll find that… [theatrical pause] eventually water finds its own level.’ Then say nothing while they ponder on your words. From Julia Hartley-Brewer Q.

Q. I’m dreading Christmas because my darling partner’s two middle-aged children (both unmarried) are coming to stay and they don’t get on. I don’t want to seem inhospitable by not offering them plenty to drink, but drink does always seem to be the trigger for their rows. What do you recommend, Mary? – Name and address withheld A. Change the thrust of the visit into a spa-themed break rather than a festival of gluttony. See if you can book visits from massage therapists who do not celebrate Christmas and therefore may welcome the work. Your partner should communicate with his children that you have begun to worry you may have an alcohol problem. For this reason he thinks it would be kinder if there was no drink in the house, as you might be tempted to lapse.

Q. I have become a lodger in a fortunate friend’s flat in Mayfair. We are both single and I am keen to start giving parties there. I had a trial run which was successful, bar the presence of one inebriated guest who went around indiscriminately insulting people – for example he walked up to a female guest and swore at her, before jeering at another guest’s hairstyle, proclaiming: ‘Only a Nazi would have hair like that.’ To top it all, he fell asleep on the dancefloor. He has a loyal harem of female handlers who look after him and go around apologising in his wake. Inexplicably this man is ‘best friends’ with my flatmate and fellow host – so how can I prevent him from attending our next event? – Name and address withheld A.

Q. I work as a PA for someone who constantly refers to my husband by the wrong name (Gerald instead of Gerard). This has been going on for months. I have corrected her twice with no result. What do you suggest? My husband is beginning to feel chippy about this.  – Name and address withheld A. Orchestrate things so that your employer has to send you an email or text in which it’s necessary to refer to your husband. Then say pleasantly: ‘I can tell you used autocorrect when you sent that message because the machine changed my husband’s name from the correct Gerard to Gerald!’    Q. We frequently invite a lonely neighbour to a meal. He always brings a bottle of good wine.

Q. Last week I was a ticket-paying guest at a charity dinner. After the first course, the main fundraiser stood up and gave a speech. I didn’t know the man on my right but I suspect he was some sort of VIP. He never stopped talking about himself to me throughout the speech and I was aware of disapproving glances in our direction. I didn’t want to be rude and ignore him but we were obviously an annoyance to others. What would you have done, Mary? – Name and address withheld A. You might have gripped his arm and said: ‘Did you hear? I think she/he just mentioned your name.’ That would have shut him up and then, at the end, you could have said: ‘Oh – I must have been mistaken.’  Q.

Q. I would like to matchmake two singleton neighbours. They have absolutely everything in common, except their social class and their politics, but they are in the same line of work and both enjoy the same fairly unusual hobby. I know they would adore each other. In order to introduce them – do you advise I have a lunch for a small or large number of people? And should I sit them next to or opposite one another?  — N.D., Frampton on Severn, Gloucestershire A. When potential matchmakees hail from contrasting milieus, their first meeting should not take place in a ‘battlefield’ scenario. Instead, issue a casual invitation to both to join you on a longish walk. Give them only a sketchy account of what they have in common and no hint that you are matchmaking.

Q. As a radio producer one of the most infuriating – and surprisingly common – things people ask is: ‘When will you be a presenter?’ Can you help with a withering response that lets them know I don’t feel like a failure, but have willingly chosen a completely different job? — M.G., London SE1 A. You might reply: ‘Oh God no, I’d hate to do that but … [assume a sympathetic facial expression] why do you ask? Would you like to be a presenter?  Q. My best friend lives in Australia, and visits annually to see friends and family. Every time we meet she has invited along so many other people she wants to catch up with that we never manage to engage in any kind of decent conversation.

Q. I have a hatred of paper napkins – eating outside, they blow away; inside, people drop them on the floor and my dogs chew them, making a horrid mess. I love the old-fashioned way of giving weekend guests napkin rings but our friends tend to drink too much and can’t remember which is theirs! We have a lot of people staying for Christmas – what is the answer? – A.E., Pewsey A. Many companies now will embroider names on to pretty napkins which you can give your guests on Christmas Eve and not only can they keep them for the whole festival holiday but they can take them home with them, hence saving you washing them. Designer Izzy Granger, among others responding to the eco-imperative, has some exquisite examples in soft European linen. Q.

Q. My brother, who lives in southern France, uses unsavoury words to gain my attention, such as ‘infernal swine’, ‘schweinhund’ and ‘w****r’. Being somewhat genteel myself, I am reluctant to engage in verbal fisticuffs across the ocean. His literary aspirations, I believe, may have topped off with the Biggles compendium. What strategy, Mary, would you suggest I follow to maintain some fraternal friendship yet decrease the negative tone? — Name withheld, Toronto A. Tell him you have got new software on the computer which has an annoying habit of obliterating words it does not like. This makes his emails sometimes difficult to read.

Q. I am at the stage of my life where I am often sending presents to newborn babies. These presents are almost never acknowledged: the parents believe they will get round to posting me a handwritten letter, complete with a picture of the child in the outfit or under the mobile or reading the book they have received. As a result they don’t even send a WhatsApp. As deliveries go wrong so often, I eventually have to check that the parcel has arrived safely and am met with grovelling apologies. Mary, please can you help make this process less annoying? – Name and address withheld A. Buy a £10 pay-as-you-go burner phone (or burner phone app) as favoured by criminals. Use it to send text messages along these lines: ‘Dear X, this is Bouncing Babies Outfitters.

Q. As a novice user of Instagram I was flattered at how quickly I gathered followers – 200 already. Many of these are old friends of 40 years or more who I never get to see, partly because my circumstances have changed – very much for the better – and I have moved out of London. Although I say it myself, I have posted 16 stunning videos, which have been viewed multiple times, but I am averaging only 12 ‘likes’ per post. Mary, how should I interpret this traffic? — M.N., Bridport, Dorset A. Unless you are selling something, and your Instagram is designed to drive commercial traffic, you should restrain your impulse to boast. Bear in mind that fellow Instagram converts of your age group will be posting similar stunning videos.

Q. I shall be spending more time in the company of newer acquaintances in the West Country and would appreciate your advice with regard to a resurfacing problem: narcolepsy. The condition is the source of much embarrassment and I find myself at pains to explain it upfront. (People may infer spurious connections due to limited understanding – that is to say ‘narc’ is now much more closely associated with narcissistic tendencies or worse, narcotics.) In anticipation of negative reactions how can I deal with any awkwardness? I am keen to attend social events. – Name withheld, Wimbledon A. Turn your condition to your advantage by arriving with a lightweight, blown-up travel pillow around your neck.

Q. We have been invited to a small but formal dinner in the presence of someone who has been a lifelong hero to my husband. Tragically, my husband has developed anxieties about bladder control in high-level social situations where there may be difficulty accessing a loo. Hence he wants me to refuse this prized invitation. – Name and address withheld A. Nurse Kate steps in to address this problem. ‘It sounds as though rather than incontinence itself, your husband has an urge/frequency problem, which could be tackled with bladder training and possibly some quite effective medication. For the purposes of his night out, I would recommend a product readily available in chemists called Tena Men Premium Fit Level 4 Pants. They come in packs of ten for around £8.

Q. The Queen had the knack of making you feel that you were the only person in the room. At parties I find a few friends are listening to other people’s conversations as they listen to you, and give themselves away by interjecting a sudden response to the other conversation. Mary, what could I say that is more tactful than: ‘Am I boring you?!’ – A.S., Petersfield A. As an equalising strategy quip: ‘I must admit I was tempted to chip in to that conversation myself. I suppose we must have been boring each other!’ Q. I plan to travel from Gloucestershire to pay my respects to Queen Elizabeth, and I’m happy to stand in the queue for however long it takes.

Q. We have made available our mews cottage – 30 yards from our main house – to a woman with small children, who has had a tough time recently through no fault of her own. She will be staying pending her divorce. Our problem is that she keeps asking us to dinner. We like her and she is a good cook and we understand that she is trying to give something back since we are not charging rent. However, our lives are just too busy to see even our very best friends more than once a month. We can’t use any of the normal excuses, e.g. that we are away or have people ourselves, because she can see us from her window. What do you suggest, Mary? – Name withheld, London W2 A. Decide to write a book. Why not actually write one?

Q. I have had an email inviting me to an old girls’ reunion, class of 1976. The organiser suggested we ‘reply all’ so that everyone could see who else was able to attend. Now I have had no fewer than four super-excited emails from other old girls saying they can’t wait till the reunion, so can we meet up separately before that? I can hardly fit in seeing my family and close friends, let alone people I haven’t seen for 45 years, but I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. – Name and address withheld A. Email each of the four women saying you too can’t wait to see them ASAP. However, a friend who has also organised an old girls’ reunion says it would be very bad form.

Q. How can I find out, without making things awkward, whether one of my close male friends fancies one of my close female friends? They have known each other for years but until recently were both in long-term relationships. Now she has developed a major crush on him. Is there a way I could help to move things forward? It is too risky to tell him directly, because if he’s not interested, it could spoil the whole dynamic of our group. – Name and address withheld A. Wait till you are alone with the male friend and scrolling on your phones. Randomly mention the female’s name, e.g: ‘Oh wow, X is running in a marathon today!’ Then, in an absent-minded manner: ‘Hey – weren’t you guys an item back in the day?

Q. Some older American friends take me and my husband out to dinner once a year when they are over in London. They are very old-school and it’s always a gastronomic feast. Last autumn – and I’ve been mulling this over in my head since then – we went to one of London’s best hotels, where I had grouse as my main course. Something had obviously gone wrong with my order as it was totally raw, and I don’t just mean slightly bloody – it had not been anywhere near an oven. I think my hosts would have been mortified if I had complained to our waiter. It was dark in the hotel so they could not see my plate. In the unlikely (I hope) event of this happening again, what should I do? – Name and address withheld A.