Bernie

‘Oh dear. I was hoping our fuel allowance would pay for our Oasis tickets.’

‘Thank heavens for the right to switch off.’

‘When the turbine is rotating it means the King is in residence.’

‘Actually, we’re Van Gogh supporters.’

‘Disappointing summer, isn’t it?’

‘I’m sorry Rishi, but the “ex-Tory prime minister after-dinner speech” market is saturated.’

‘What do you mean you don’t want kids?’

‘I didn’t realise it was dress down Friday.’

‘A donation of just £50 will buy a child a Sky dish.’

‘Trust me, it’s making a comeback.’

‘You don’t often see one of those in Scotland.’

‘She’s like Liz Truss in reverse.’

‘Sending them to Scotland would be a deterrent.’

‘I’m sleeping rough as much as I can before they criminalise it.’

‘I’m escaping from an oppressive regime.’

‘I only converted to help my asylum claim but then things snowballed.’

‘I’m appointing you “chief fundraiser, unpaid”.’

‘Lots of nasty things are making a comeback. Measles, rickets, George Galloway...’