Dave – 12 December 2013

‘We shall now sing O Come All Ye Faithful, stressing the word “all” in a sarcastic manner.’
‘Oh, you poor things! Quick, come into the cold…’
‘A stomach pump! Just what I wanted!’
‘What do you want to watch? Fatal Attraction or Misery?’
‘Plenty of bubble-wrap, elves. People love to pop it…’
‘Brussels?’
‘If his winter fuel charges have gone up, I’m changing our energy supplier.’
‘As you have no close family who’ll be visiting this Christmas, we’ve come to offer you a huge, acrimonious argument if you’d like one.’
‘You have the body of a teenager — your liver’s shot, and you have a couple of sexually transmitted infections.’
‘It’s a repeat of what we watched last Christmas.’
‘Show it an increased fuel bill and it drops all the green stuff.’
‘Oh no! It’s a twurkey.’
‘There’s slipping in the bath and then there’s slipping in the bath’
‘I know it’s not a good time but could I have your number?’
‘We need more of you on the beat.’
‘Look at all this Christmas stuff — there’s no room for any Easter eggs.’
‘If you can’t be drunk, rude and obnoxious at Christmas, then when can you?’
‘Michaelangelo, when I asked you to carve…’
‘You’ll find my wish list on my website — I have prioritised the presents — can you acknowledge to timmy@...’