Mary Killen Mary Killen

Your problems solved | 8 November 2003

Etiquette advice from The Spectator's Miss Manners

issue 08 November 2003

Dear Mary…

Q. I have a pressing question. Although I am as addicted to my mobile as anyone else, I do try to keep conversations in public to a minimum. But I have noticed that on London buses there is a very plague of incessant chatterers. These people always seem to shriek as long and loudly as possible, and invariably in a tongue which sounds, to my terribly untutored ears, like duelling magpies. What can one do? The only thing I have been able to think of is to go up and say, ‘I am a doctor and can tell from the sound of your voice that you may have early signs of sublingual metataxis. I would advise you to rest your voice immediately and see a throat specialist as soon as possible.’ The problem is, I don’t in the least look like a doctor, and am afraid I wouldn’t be able to keep a straight face.

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