Q. An elderly relative has developed the disgusting habit of licking her knife after using it for, say, jam, and then using it again to help herself to butter. It’s horrid having to take butter from a dish into which some one else’s saliva-strewn knife has been plunged. Any ideas?
B.M, North Berwick
A. Re-educate your relation by giving her tea at your own table. Serve scones from the oven, handing out the first one ‘to test’ by an accomplice who will have been primed to load it with butter, then lick his knife. As his knife-wielding hand now lunges for the jam, cry ‘Greystoke! Greystoke!’ and steer the hand towards the teaspoon he should use. ‘What does Greystoke mean?’ your relation is bound to ask as your accomplice apologises. ‘Oh, it’s our secret code,’ you can reply. Explain that ‘Greystoke’ refers to the 1984 film in which Christopher Lambert plays an aristocrat raised, since babyhood, by apes in the African jungle. He is returned to the family stately in England, Greystoke, where Edwardian society is disgusted by his jungle table-manners. The story is based on Tarzan. ‘So whenever any of us shows signs of behaving like an ape at the table, like licking knives,’ you can smile, ‘we say “Greystoke!” to remind each other not to.’ You can then decide the scones are ready and serve them. Having initiated your relation into the Greystoke Society’s secret code, you can now use it to bring her up sharp when she next breaches accepted table etiquette. ‘Greystoke!’ you will be able to cry in teasing and friendly manner, and thereby avoid giving offence.
Q. I was invited to lunch in Norfolk by a friend of a friend with whom I was staying.
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