Q. I know it’s a gaffe to ask a doctor for medical advice at a party, but what is the etiquette when the roles are reversed? Recently my own doctor has been bearding me for advice on selling furniture. Sometimes he telephones for more than half an hour. As an expert in the field, I’m happy to help him out, but when he is the one giving the advice he charges me £200 for a 30-minute consultation. It’s not about money. I would just like to tease him about this unequal playing field or at least have the satisfaction of knowing that he recognises the irony. Any advice, Mary?
— Name and address withheld
A. Next time he thanks you for your advice, say emphatically: ‘It’s a pleasure. You are never boring.’ Stay silent as he modestly chortles that he is sure he must be boring. Then say: ‘How interesting you feel that. I thought I was the one who felt guilty because of forcing you to listen to my insufferably boring health questions.’ Pause, then cry out as though you have just thought of it: ‘We should have a deal that neither of us charges the other for advice and then both of our consciences will be clear!’
Q. We recently arranged a large Sunday luncheon in Wiltshire for a mixture of friends and neighbours including an older retired couple — let’s call them ‘Yvonne and Bertie’ — who have recently moved into a nearby village house rather grandly called the Manor House. When my old friend G went up to greet Yvonne, to everyone’s astonishment she raised her arms as if to fend off the unassuming chap, and snarled, ‘Don’t come a step nearer.’ Her husband came over to me and said ‘Don’t put us next to them.
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