Q. We live in a small flat and when we have visitors for a weekend or a few days we arrange for them to sleep in a spacious bedroom made available by a neighbour, who is also a good friend. She charges only a nominal amount, which so far we have preferred not to mention to our guests. But because it is at least partly a commercial arrangement she finds herself embarrassed by the gifts left her by grateful visitors. And then come the cards or letters, and even Christmas cards. How can we make it clear to our visitors that they need not overdo the effusions of gratitude — without their feeling mean-spirited and obliged to contribute, and without making ourselves look too grandly generous? I would be grateful for your advice.
J.D., Frankfurt am Main
A. Just say, ‘Our neighbour feels she owes us a small favour and she wants to pay us back by having you to stay.’ This, after all, is perfectly true. There is no need to spell out what the small favour was. Smile seraphically as though being discreet. But explain to your friends that they will be giving your neighbour great satisfaction by staying with her, since she will then feel she has discharged her debt to you. ‘So don’t rob her of that satisfaction by giving her a present or anything,’ you can add, again truthfully. ‘She’ll be much happier if you don’t.’
Q. I have twice recently had my day ruined when buying train tickets and being asked whether I have a Senior Railcard. I have a good 15 years to go until I qualify for one of these. The insults were, presumably, unintentional, but all the more wounding in the knowledge that they come out of a sort of instant appraisal as one arrives at the head of the queue.
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