Q. My wife and I recently attended a wedding after which we sat down to a formal dinner. It was all going very well until the best man’s speech. This particular chap — a barrister, who should have known better — proceeded to bore for England with an utterly tedious and humourless waffle that lasted for three quarters of an hour. As guests, we were all too embarrassed to do anything except sit tight and inwardly groan. But by the time the fool had finished, he had pretty well ruined the evening. I am puzzled as to what anyone could have done to get him to shut up. And who should take action — the host or hostess, or a guest? As it happens, we have a daughter who is getting married later this year, and I am determined that she will not have her day undermined in this way. What do you suggest, Mary?
A.H., London W8
A. Best men make these overlong speeches either out of passive aggression, because they are subconsciously jealous of their best friend’s good fortune, or out of crass insensitivity and because they have had one too many. In anticipation of the very real possibility of an overlong speech deflating the euphoria of such an event, I usually recommend that the bride’s mother ensures that the extension lead from the microphone passes beneath her table. In this way she is poised to act at a moment’s notice and can, even pedally, cut the speaker off mid-flow. Everyone will assume there has been an electrical fault.
The same situation can happen at literary prize-giving ceremonies, where many organisers have been frustrated by overlong dronings from the recipients. For these events I always recommend that the organisers buy in a Tony Blair full latex head-mask.
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