Your problem solved

In Competition No. 2883 you were invited to cast a well-known writer, living or dead, in the role of agony aunt or uncle and provide a problem of your invention and their solution. Mark Shelton’s Ted Hughes begins his reply to the question ‘how can I be more confident with girls?’ thus: ‘Stoat does not ask. Forefoot poised, he holds the crosshairs on his victim. The wicked waiting eyes glitter like wet berries. He is a cocked crossbow.’ I also liked Nicholas Holbrook’s Machiavelli putting Nick Clegg right on the hazards of power-sharing, and Jane Moth was good too. D.A. Prince takes £30, the rest get £25.

Q. Recently my wife has become lazy, lounging in bed all day; I suspect she may be having an affair. What can I do to rebuild our marriage?
 
A. Everyich marriage embraces its scrotumtightening patches of untrammelled boredom with coffined relish. Get you a breakfast first, kidney-wise, if she won’t shift for you, and run yourself through a day of belabouring joy, a walking-out and never passing a pub, giving your self to the ineluctable modality of the visible.