Yay, root out those Jew-haters, Jeremy!

A long and arduous flight back from the Caucasus, but worth it nonetheless for the meaningful protest we had staged in the fragrant and lovely Georgian capital, Tbilisi. They have opened a vegan restaurant there called the Café Kiwi — an affront not just to ordinary Georgians, but to all right-thinking people, surely. A bunch of us stormed the place carrying large chunks of grilled lamb on skewers and spicy sausages, which we flung at the epicene customers, who cowered beneath their tables and were unable to fight back because their bones had been made as brittle as matchwood by a diet consisting entirely of nuts and berries.

‘Eat some meat, flaccid homosexual scum,’ we howled at them — suspecting that most if not all of the diners ‘batted for the other side’, so to speak. These people are so stupid they won’t even eat the delicious Georgian flatbread kachapuri, with its unctuous interior of melted cheese and often a fried egg sitting happily on top — which are adored by my children when I can be bothered to make them.