Yay, root out those Jew-haters, Jeremy!

A long and arduous flight back from the Caucasus, but worth it nonetheless for the meaningful protest we had staged in the fragrant and lovely Georgian capital, Tbilisi. They have opened a vegan restaurant there called the Café Kiwi — an affront not just to ordinary Georgians, but to all right-thinking people, surely. A bunch of us stormed the place carrying large chunks of grilled lamb on skewers and spicy sausages, which we flung at the epicene customers, who cowered beneath their tables and were unable to fight back because their bones had been made as brittle as matchwood by a diet consisting entirely of nuts and berries.

‘Eat some meat, flaccid homosexual scum,’ we howled at them — suspecting that most if not all of the diners ‘batted for the other side’, so to speak. These people are so stupid they won’t even eat the delicious Georgian flatbread kachapuri, with its unctuous interior of melted cheese and often a fried egg sitting happily on top — which are adored by my children when I can be bothered to make them. (Children properly conceived through the offices of two legitimate heterosexual relationships, incidentally.) Vegan restaurants are springing up all over the place and populated by the usual stinking deviants. On this issue, as on so many other issues concerning normalcy and decency, London is a lost cause — but at least we might fight to preserve the proper standards in further-flung and still pristine capital cities, such as Tbilisi and Yerevan and Baku.

The Café Kiwi denounced the protest as ‘an anti-vegan provocative action’ and the work of ‘neo-Nazis’. Hmmm. I think you’ll find old Adolf would have been a contented patron of your establishment and that half of the Waffen SS were as bent as a Weimar Republic 1921 Deutschmark.