Why I’ll keep cheering for Caster Semenya

An almost worldwide survey on penis length — the sort of thing I always read with a sense of trepidation and inadequacy — suggested that the countries boasting the largest of these flawed and devious appendages are all located in Africa. Especially West Africa, from the DRC down to the humid and still pristine jungles of Gabon. This suggests to me one of two things — either that the old racist cliché is absolutely true, or that Africans tell bigger lies than anyone else on the planet. Either or both of these explanations are likely to get me into trouble, so I suppose I’d better stop digging.

Thing is, I can’t fathom another answer. I should add, just in case you’re interested, that we Brits come exactly in the middle of the worldwide penis league — which is, I think, the right place to be. We clock in at an average of about 14cm, or a bit over 5in — which seems to me an eminently sensible length, neither the frighteningly robust nightstick you might encounter in Kinshasa, nor yet the pitiful, flaccid caterpillar which hangs forlornly between the legs of your Southeast Asians.