Melissa Kite Melissa Kite

Why I decided to kill Tamzin Lightwater

The Cameroons are beyond parody and the coalition lacks charm, says Melissa Kite. We both feel bad about it, but Tamzin and I have chosen to call it a day

issue 19 June 2010

V sad… No, it’s no good, I can’t talk like that. Only she can, which is why the retirement of Tamzin Lightwater is very sad because she is so much funnier than I could ever be. I know this because I once saw an irate posting on the internet under the heading ‘Who is Tamzin?’, by a man outraged by the suggestion that she might be me. This was ridiculous, he said. Tamzin was funny and clever which proved she could never be a woman, least of all that ghastly Melissa Kite. Well, I can understand that. Tamzin had a lot of extremely loyal followers who were intensely protective of her.

Since she announced her retirement — and my involvement — I have been inundated with (v lovely) messages from people begging me to bring her back. I feel so guilty because when she told me she wanted to wind up her Diary of a Notting Hill Nobody I did not argue.

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