How should we deal with people who sneeze in public places? Stephen Jackson, aged 49, has found himself in court as a consequence of taking direct action against those people who are kind enough to share their nasal mucus with the rest of us. Stephen’s answer is usually to slap the offender across the head and say: ‘Don’t sneeze in front of me.’ He will be sentenced in a couple of weeks on four similar charges of assault, the victims all being people who sneezed when he was nearby.
There was one other charge, mind, which involved spitting at a baby in its pram. Now, it may well be that we’ve all spat at a baby at one time or another — but to my mind that doesn’t make it acceptable behaviour. No matter how smug and infuriating the ‘My Baby First’ fraternity can be — hogging the seats on public transport, demanding preferential treatment wherever they might be, smirking indulgently as their foul issue screeches at a level several decibels above a concert by the Who, or lobbing their mammaries out at the first available opportunity in order to ensure that their brat grows up with no sense of deferred gratification — still, I would aver, spitting at the baby itself is usually inappropriate.

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