Why don’t I come with a trigger warning?

Last week brought the news that some universities have attached more ‘trigger warnings’ to certain books, concerned that students may find their contents offensive and upsetting. No, we’re not talking about Lolita, American Psycho or The 120 Days of Sodom. The works judged too disturbing for young people of a sensitive disposition include Oliver Twist, Nineteen Eighty-Four and Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone. I’m not making that last one up. The English department at the University of Chester has included it as a set text on its Approaches to Literature module and cautioned students that it may ‘lead to some difficult conversations about gender, race, sexuality, class, and identity’.

My first reaction on reading this news was not outrage, but envy. How can I get a university to attach a trigger warning to How to Lose Friends and Alienate People, my 2001 bestseller? It would be an absolute gift in my capacity as general secretary of the Free Speech Union.