Why can’t men write about sex?

Not long ago I was a regular Tinder user. Having heard that gingers were romantically incompatible, I decided to mix work and pleasure and put this controversial claim to the test. I set up a sort of interview-date with a nice young lady called Laura, a former international gymnast who was working as a waitress, but looking for more permanent work. She sported a lovely glossy dark ginger mane. We weren’t getting on too badly, but not much of a story there. Luckily there was scope for deepening the research: we went back to mine, and a bit of horizontal research definitively established that the alleged incompatibility of gingers is utter nonsense, doubtless put about by jealous eugenicists.

None of the above is true. I just wanted to see what it looked like to transpose Lucy Holden’s article in the Times today to a straight male voice. She is wondering whether people can successfully date across a language barrier, and tells us that while on Tinder she set up a ‘sort of interview date’ with a Portuguese former tennis player, now working as a delivery driver.