Who will rid me of this turbulent beast?

I’m keeping my eyes peeled for one of those billboards saying ‘A dog is for life, not just for Christmas’ so I can gleefully point it out to Caroline. Regular readers of this column will know that my wife brought home a Vizsla puppy last December, her surprise ‘gift’ to the family, and that the cute little fellow has turned into a snarling, slobbering hound who has ruined my life.

Mealtimes in our household now resemble a scene from Jaws, with Leo circling unseen beneath the table then bursting out to grab a leg of chicken or a baked potato, or, if he can’t get hold of any food, just bite one of the children.

In our darker moments, Caroline and I have discussed how best to get rid of the beast. My initial thought was to return him to the breeder —‘Here, take him, no need for a refund’ — but the difficulty is that the children have all formed a strong attachment to him.