What’s your Christmas Eve pub tribe?

Come on in, take a seat, drink deep by the roaring hearth and don’t worry about the time – there’s bound to be a lock-in. Such is the Christmas Eve pub scenario of our fantasies. It’s been a long trek back to our home town, most likely thanks to a ‘cow on the line’ or some such nonsense announced by Avanti somewhere between Milton Keynes and Rugby. But you’re finally home so what could be finer than heading down to your old local for a festive pint or three?

Well, quite a lot, actually. Like staying in and sticking hot pins into your retina. Yet out we go regardless, already drunk on the spirit of Christmas. But who will you be sharing bar space with this evening? Here’s a guide to the types that will, doubtless, be shoring up the three-deep counter queue with overly complicated orders to a soundtrack of Mariah Carey and Wham! on an endless loop:

The ‘back home from London and feeling smug about their career’ chap

Charlie was considered a bit of a show-off at school, but he compensated for his average academic ability by being good at tennis and having ‘supportive’ (i.e.