‘We don’t do burglary’

I like my Vespa. In fact, I can’t think of anything that has improved the quality of my life in London more in the last couple of years than my slightly retro 49cc ‘Chelsea blue’ Piaggio ET2. Getting around town takes half as long as it once did by bus, car or taxi; scooters are exempt from Ken’s congestion charge; and it is a cheap way to travel. A full tank of petrol costs £5.50 and lasts at least two weeks.

The trouble is that other people like my Vespa, too. Three scumbags have taken it on themselves to steal or vandalise my bike when my back has been turned for more than five minutes – which it was the other Monday.

I had just returned from a quick sortie to the shops, and because I was intending to use the bike again within the hour it never occurred to me to put it in the shed at the side of the house or attach a variety of anti-theft devices to the back and front wheels.