Thirteen, Alfie? I’d almost given up on sex by the age of 13

Rod Liddle recalls his own childhood fumblings and says that the case of Alfie Patten proves nothing much has changed. If Britain is ‘broken’, it always was

I still sometimes wonder what would have happened if Julie’s parents had somehow stumbled in. Or mine, for that matter. They would have had to peer pretty hard, the lights being so low. Probably their annoyance would have focused first, as so often, on the music: ‘Turn that bloody row off!’ A confected teen-pap trio called the Arrows, if I remember rightly, emanating from a Dansette, grinding out their only real hit: ‘I wanna touch too much of your sweet sweet loving…’ Well, yes indeed, precisely. Then, with growing alarm, the parents would have noticed the empty cider bottles, the heaps of discarded clothing and finally maybe the intertwined bodies; four of them — two on the bed, two on the floor. Total cumulative age of intertwined bodies: 50 years.