Theme of despair: Drop’N Chicken at Chessington reviewed

Chessington World of Adventures sits in a bowl near the A3. I went in the 1970s when it was a zoo, home to some unhappy orangutans who lived in a cage which made me scream. Being a lonely sort of child, I hugged concrete dinosaurs in the rain. Now it is owned by Merlin Entertainments – a sort of National Trust for people who prefer rollercoasters to country houses – which is owned by a hedge fund that employs teenagers.

We are here to feel fear because my son, who is nine, has never really felt it, which is a good thing: and Merlin Entertainments monetises this, offering fear for a price, with parking. I am Jewish, and queuing for fear isn’t my thing, but I like to consider myself a loving mother so here we are. Except the queues for the Vampire – a rollercoaster – and Dragon’s Fury – another rollercoaster – are 80 minutes long. I once cruised the Bahamas and went to the Atlantis resort to interact with a sort of dolphin prostitute that pushed me along with its nose for a fish. Then I watched fat adults in rubber rings get sucked up a slide. But this is substantially more insane. They queue dressed as witches – they are small, heavily made-up and very dedicated witches, gilded with lanyards to indicate that they come here all the time by choice – for 80 minutes to be dropped down a hole, and then retire for theme-park food, which is food that will kill you in the right amounts: fish and chips, hamburgers, chicken in a bun, pizza and pasta, sugar.

If 80 minutes in a queue is too long to bear, you may upgrade to fast pass for £95 a head online in a VIP centre with potted plants and catalogues offering an experience with a giraffe where there is almost no mobile tele-phone service.