When theatres reopen they’ll resemble prison camps

‘Give us a date, mate!’ That was the sound of Andrew Lloyd Webber begging Boris Johnson to announce when the West End can return to normal.

He made his plea at the London Palladium on 23 July, where he was testing a new set of Covid-compliant measures during a one-hour solo show by Beverley Knight. It was the first indoor live performance in the capital since lockdown began. The impresario’s advance preparations had been exhaustively thorough. He arranged for the entire venue to be hosed down with an anti-viral fluid that kills the bug for up to four weeks. Every door handle had been fitted with a special cover that exterminates bacteria with silver ions. The audience were given staggered arrival times and they used a one-way system as they moved around the theatre.

The whole of Row A had been stripped out to ensure that the audience was at least five metres from the stage. And big gaps were visible between the meagre audience of 650 who showed up at the 2,200-capacity venue. Lloyd Webber’s exercise was hailed as a brave attempt to tiptoe towards a Covid-secure future as we enter ‘Stage Four’ of the government’s recovery programme: ‘Performances allowed indoors/outdoors but with limited distanced audience indoors.’

The seats were covered in clinical white fabric, and each vacant space was marked with a large black ‘X’

Theatreland is desperate for a swift move to ‘Stage Five’. ‘Performances allowed but with a fuller audience indoors.’ Until a date is announced, producers are powerless to start hiring the throngs of artists required to prepare and rehearse a West End show. Meanwhile, everyone is in limbo. The Ambassador Theatre Group is currently taking bookings for The Lion King in late October. Nimax, owner of six West End venues, is offering tickets to Everybody’s Talking About Jamie from 9 September — which seems a tad optimistic.