The unexpected star of PMQs is a man you’ve never heard of

Let’s hear it for Phil. The unexpected hero of PMQs was an Iceland employee in Warrington (referred to as ‘Phil’, no surname given) whom Sir Keir Starmer held up as a victim of Tory fiscal mismanagement. Doubtless poor Phil had no idea his personal circumstances were about to dominate today’s parliamentary punch-up. 

The session began as a typical ding-dong between the party leaders who accused each other of lies, failure and incompetence. Sir Keir asked Rishi Sunak to detail the costs faced by a typical mortgage-holder with a fixed-term deal that expires this week. To the surprise of no one, except Sir Keir, Rishi rattled off the precise figures. So Sir Keir ruled Rishi’s unanswerable reply out of order. 

‘People face huge mortgage increases,’ he said, ‘but he won’t do them the courtesy of answering the question. I’ll ask again.’ 

‘I’ll point him back to my previous answer,’ said Rishi, adding that mortgage holders will benefit from the ‘mortgage charter’ cooked up by him and Jeremy Hunt. 

Sir Keir got ready to fire his secret weapon. ‘The government crashed the economy,’ he began, but his attack was interrupted by the Speaker who seemed unusually bad tempered today. He shot angrily to his feet. This forced Sir Keir to resume his seat. 

‘The Chef Whip’s getting very carried away,’ said the Speaker before plonking himself back down again. This was Sir Keir’s cue to start again. 

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‘Working people are paying the price for the damage done to the economy. Like Phil,’ he said, ‘from Iceland in Warrington.’

Tory jeers greeted the word ‘Phil’, and the Speaker jumped up again, interrupting Sir Keir a second time. ‘It’s the same voice,’ said the Speaker, wagging his finger vaguely towards the government benches, ‘and it if keeps appearing it won’t appear any more.’ Then he sat down. As Keir rose he decided to turn the tumult and hubbub against the Tories. 

‘They’re laughing at an Iceland employee,’ he said. ‘Shame!’ Then came the nuclear button. He revealed that Phil’s new mortgage will cost an extra £1,000 each month, and he asked Rishi to explain ‘how on earth people like Phil’ can afford this Tory government. 

Rishi did the unthinkable. He flung Phil straight back at Sir Keir. 

‘Phil and millions like him,’ said Rishi, ‘have inflation at less than half the rate it was a year ago.’ He went on to enthuse that Phil will enjoy ‘tax cuts worth hundreds of pounds’ this month. Rather pointedly, he asked Sir Keir ‘if he had explained to Phil the cost of Labour’s policies? And does Phil know he’s going to have to pay for their £28 billion green spending spree?’.

Sir Keir snatched Phil back, dusted him off, and pitched him across the aisle a second time. 

‘Get in touch with Phil,’ he told the PM, ‘and explain how paying a thousand pounds extra on a mortgage feels.’ He added a barb about Rishi’s personal wealth. ‘Hundreds extra each month may not seem much to the PM.’

‘The politics of envy,’ lamented Rishi, pretending to sound disappointed by this personal slur. Then he mentioned a Labour U-turn on banker’s bonuses which, he claimed, has undermined Sir Keir’s trustworthiness. 

‘I don’t know if he mentioned that to Phil,’ he added. He warned voters to disbelieve the shadow chancellor when she claims that Labour ‘won’t raise Phil’s taxes.’ He finished with a gag about Labour members altering their Wikipedia entries.  

The Tories guffawed loyally at this. But Sir Keir affected to believe they were mocking his pet from Warrington.

‘I didn’t expect them to be laughing at Phil,’ he said, mournfully. ‘They just don’t get how hard it is for people like Phil.’  

Rishi had a final kick at the ball and declared that the Tory government is working wonders, ‘whether it’s for Phil or for anyone else across the country.’

Westminster is now abuzz with the burning question of the day. Who is Phil? And, more importantly, who is Phil’s agent? His memoir will be in the shops by Easter.