If you take that excellent map showing negative equity ‘hot-spots’ produced by George Bridges for The Spectator a couple of weeks back, and overlay it across a map of cancer ‘hot-spots’ for the UK, you will find that those baleful dark areas, the bad places on each map, tally almost exactly. You might have expected as much: falling house prices cause cancer. Or maybe cancer causes house prices to fall — one of the two. Anyway, those areas where hundreds of tumours pop up like jack-in-the-boxes throughout your body while you are eating your breakfast are also the areas where your house is now worth less than a month’s chemotherapy. I’d move, if I were you, get the hell out. Head for somewhere like Devizes or Guildford where houses are still going up in price and nobody ever gets cancer.
I discovered this correlation while attempting to draw up a Map of General Abject Bloody Misery for this magazine; an outline of Britain shaded in dingy hues of brown and purple pinpointing the fecundity of malignant illness, financial ruin, date rape, vector-borne disease, sudden infant death syndrome, rats, speed cameras and myocardial infarction in your part of the world.
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