The Trump vs Biden debates are bound to be boring

Ladies and gentlemen — tonight we are going to witness the most hotly anticipated TV debate in history. In the red corner, aged 74 and weighing in at 250 pounds, the reigning champ, the tangerine typhoon, Donald J Truuuuump. In the blue corner, a challenger all the way from planet amnesia, the 77-year-old stuttering cyclone, Joe Robinette Bideeeeen. Let’s get ready to ruuuuuuuuuumble!

Ah, televised presidential debates — exciting, aren’t they? The tension, the massive stakes, the enmity — it’s as close as politics gets to actual entertainment, and people love the idea of them for precisely that reason. Worse is better, these days. We don’t want soaring rhetoric, clashing philosophies, competing visions, Lincoln vs Douglas with brighter lights. That’s boring. What we yearn for is the thrill of the gaffe or the zinger insult, a catastrophic loss of nerve or temper. The excitement over tonight’s event is that, with Trump and Biden, two septuagenarians not fully in control of their mouths, rudeness and brain failures seem almost guaranteed.