Hever Castle was the childhood home of Anne Boleyn and played a not insignificant part in the Henry VIII story. The smitten despot, already planning his divorce from sonless Catherine of Aragon, would ride over from his hunting lodge at nearby Penshurst Place to woo Anne there. Then, when things didn’t work out as he’d hoped, Henry seized Hever from her family and gave it to wife number four, Anne of Cleves, as part of the settlement when he was divorcing rather than beheading her, as he had poor Anne Boleyn.
The first thing that I heard when I arrived in a teeming car park was the voice of Mariah Carey singing: ‘All I Want for Christmas Is You’
It remains one of Britain’s best-preserved Tudor houses. Just last year historians discovered, lurking in a corner of the library, the actual book held by Thomas Cromwell in his celebrated portrait by Hans Holbein. So, finding myself on a recent wintry afternoon in the same corner of Kent with free time, and gripped by the second series of Wolf Hall, The Mirror and the Light, Hever seemed an obvious place to head.
I was imagining Hever with crepuscular rooms, candlelight reflecting off those Holbein canvases and dark wood walls, perhaps some choral music by Thomas Tallis or William Byrd to soften otherwise monastic silence. Instead, the first thing that I heard when I arrived in a teeming car park was the voice of Mariah Carey singing: ‘All I Want for Christmas Is You.’ And as I looked towards the castle, I saw that its walls were illuminated by giant spotlights whose colours shifted every few seconds across a lurid palette: pink, magenta, sapphire.
Outside were fairground rides. Would there be some bouncy castle next to the real thing? Quite possibly, it seemed. It was a festival of tat, more Winter Wonderland than Tudor tower. While taking all this in, I rummaged in my wallet for my English Heritage and National Trust membership cards, assuming Hever would be run by one or other, only to discover that it’s neither – and entry was a poky £26 each.
This was the final straw. I decided to keep my money and take our dogs for a walk in the grounds instead, soon finding a means to bunk in while my wife entered the house alone. My decision to abstain was vindicated: ‘It’s even worse inside,’ she messaged me. ‘There are the horrible lights there too and hammy actors in crappy costumes. And more shrill music. It’s awful.’
This sort of thing seems to be a contagion that has spread from those dreadful ‘traditional’ Christmas markets – all Cuprinol-hued sheds selling £8 plastic cups of over-sweet mulled wine. These now take over many of our towns each winter, even historic ones such as Winchester or York, but this was the first time I had seen this syndrome manifest somewhere quite as august as Hever.
It is, though, the second time that my attempt to indulge my fondness for Wolf Hall has led to disappointment: in the week of Hilary Mantel’s death a couple of years ago, we went for a Thames-side walk past Hampton Court – only to find the whole river frontage outside Henry’s best-known residence was covered in plastic safety barriers, something I mentioned here.
The National Trust seems particularly keen to tell us of the evils of many of the houses in their care – while replacing the butter in its scones with margarine to make them vegan friendly. But even these cultural warriors would surely baulk at Mariah Carey. While English Heritage’s idea of aggressive populism is asking children to identify different tree leaves on a chart – positively quaint. But privately-owned Hever clearly feels under no such constraints.
Hever was bought by American tycoon William Waldorf Astor in 1903 as a home, which it remained for 80 years before it was acquired by its current owners, Broadland Properties, who turned it into a tourist attraction. Last year the family-owned company made £15 million. With such healthy profits, I can’t see Broadland giving two hoots about my misgivings over their management of Hever.
But were I king for a day – a slightly trimmer and more virile version of Henry, let’s say – I’d compulsorily purchase offenders like Hever from the public purse and restore a more sober atmosphere. I feel certain my subjects would approve.
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