The scariest words in the English language: ‘Dormer windows’

Just when I thought I couldn’t possibly fight any more battles, a pink planning notice is pinned to the lamp post in front of my house. The upstairs neighbours are planning a loft conversion. Not just any old loft conversion. All I can see as I scan the notice, my eyes glazing over in a panic-stricken blur, are the words ‘dormer windows’.

It has been said that ‘cellar door’ are the most beautiful words in the English language. Surely, the words ‘dormer windows’ are the most terrifying. The worst part about finding the words ‘dormer windows’ pinned to the lamp post outside my flat is that they have been there for goodness knows how long.

I have been in the country writing a book, blissfully unaware that the words ‘dormer windows’ had been pinned like a plague notice outside my hitherto very marketable garden apartment in sunny Bal-ham.

I returned to collect the mail the other evening, arriving in the dark so I did not, at first, see the notice of doom.