The real reason I don’t drink

00:00 05:23

Damian Thompson has narrated this article for you to listen to.

It’s been 30 years this month since I last touched alcohol and I still can’t face the prospect of a social event without drinking.

Other people drinking, that is. I’m terrified by the thought of going back on the sauce again, but that doesn’t mean I want to hang around with teetotallers who’ve never had to apologise after a party or suffered an apocalyptic hangover.

One of the leitmotifs of Anthony Powell’s Dance to the Music of Time is that you can’t trust teetotallers. They’re control freaks who love seeing other people make fools of themselves. They spend the whole evening gathering ammunition. The slimy Kenneth Widmerpool barely drinks, of course.

Or they’re sex-obsessed. I can think of one populist politician and one middle-ranking celeb who never turn down a party invitation but just ‘don’t like the taste of alcohol’.