The question that just won’t go away: is Sunday this week or next week?

Very occasionally in the life of a nation comes the need for a short period of dictatorship. Not for major reform: democracy can easily manage historic change. No, it’s the little things which dictators do so well. General Franco, for example, rationalised Spanish spelling. In the sorting out of obstinate silliness, democrats lose heart and autocrats alone can stay the course. Any populist can sweep away major injustice, but only a dictator can standardise plugs or bring back the proper use of the letter ‘z’. To remove the minor anomalies of life, decree absolute can be the only way.

When I become Lord Protector of England, my first administration will ban polystyrene cups, stop people with doctorates calling themselves doctors, and treat as a national emergency the growing misuse of the apostrophe. But first in my short but golden period of office will come a final settlement of the vexed question of Sunday.