The perils of making Diane Abbott jokes

I wanted 2020 to be a landmark year for me, so I came up with a killer set of resolutions. This turned out to be quite the existential task. Last New Year’s Eve, I had some spirits to raise my spirits, retreated to my room and started jotting down my big plans. But for millennial house-sharers, moments of privacy tend to be cut short. My flatmates started hammering at the door, demanding I come back to the party. I woke up, our first day into 2020, in a pool of my own drool and discovered I’d scrawled some resolutions on my arm. But on closer inspection, they weren’t so much my goals but rather Mae West quotes I’d drunkenly Googled the night before: ‘I’m gonna stay away from temptation — as long as temptation stays away from me’ and ‘if I have to choose between two evils I’m gonna pick the one I ain’t tried before.’