The cops should have said: it’s just Stephen Fry, what did you expect?

Coming to a workplace near you, perhaps — masturbation breaks. The policy was first recommended by a psychologist at Nottingham Trent ‘University’ and has now been supported by Dr Cliff Arnall, who is a life coach. These brief moments of respite in the working day would, according to old Cliff, result in less aggression, higher productivity and more smiles. I’m sure he’s right. ‘I’ll read the lesson in a few minutes, Justin, I’m just off for a quick Sherman. Pass me that copy of the Tablet, will you?’ I do wonder if in some workplaces — the BBC commissioning centre, all advertising agencies, Channel 4 News, the Law Society — these breaks are already de rigueur and, further, are unceasing in their duration. Incidentally, do you have a life coach? You should get one, if not. Bloody marvellous things, I’m sure — emblems of modernity, like masturbation breaks. But occasionally modernity gets a smack in the teeth. So, for example, the very liberal comedian Stephen Fry has been investigated by the rozzers — Irish rozzers — for blasphemy. Sadly no charges will be brought, so we will have to find another reason to burn him or stone him to death. But it is thrilling that the police took the complaint seriously, no? Here’s what Fry said, when asked what he would say when he arrived in heaven and, much to God’s excitement, met God. ‘I’d say, bone cancer in children? What’s that about? How dare you? How dare you create a world in which there is such misery that is not our fault? It’s not right, it’s utterly, utterly evil. ‘Why should I respect a capricious, mean-minded, stupid god who creates a world that is so full of injustice and pain? The god who created this universe, if it was created by god, is quite clearly a maniac, an utter maniac, totally selfish.