If the weather had been this foul at the time of the last Oxford-Cambridge boat race, I might not have found myself in the middle of the River Thames, or served a six-month prison sentence in HMP Wormwood Scrubs. My plan, then, was to make a protest against inequalities in British society, government cuts, reductions in civil liberties and a culture of elitism. Not all of it, I admit, I had time to articulate in the water. At first, I was charged under the Public Order Act, which meant that the maximum penalty would have been a fine, but after various exhortations — including from a Tory MP, Michael Ellis — I was convicted under the Public Nuisance law and had a spell inside. I emerged a changed man, though not because I’d changed my views. I found out I was going to be a father.
Many convicts will know how odd it is to hear life-changing news from ‘the outside’ over a telephone. My wife rang to tell me she was pregnant — and after three minutes the prison telephone system automatically cut her off. But at least I had something upbeat to speak with my fellow prisoners about. There is warmth, solidarity and support between prisoners. Perhaps my convict heritage — my Australian ‘criminal genes’ — prepared me well for incarceration, but I survived. Most prisoners have a keen sense of humour. Hardly a day went by without a few brilliant swimming jokes at my expense.
As one con to another, I would advise Chris Huhne that he has made a profound mistake requesting to be isolated on a special wing in HMP Wandsworth and asking his fellow millionaire Nick Clegg to get him on agreeable gardening leave in HMP Leyhill, Gloucester.
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