The art of the non-apology

‘Johnson apologises for lockdown garden party’ announced the Times on Wednesday. But did he? It’s quite a skill, the non-apology, and our Prime Minister is a non-apologiser par excellence, the Nureyev of not really meaning it.

Academics working in conflict resolution have analysed what makes a good apology and come up with six elements: expressing regret, explaining what went wrong, acknowledging responsibility, declaring repentance, offering repair and requesting forgiveness. In response, I offer you here six ways to make sure your apology is as empty of content as a wine bottle after a Downing Street garden party:

Make it conditional

Or what the comedian Harry Shearer calls an ‘Ifpology’ (as in I’m sorry if…). Famously used by Justin Timberlake’s agent following the 2004 Superbowl (‘I am sorry if anyone was offended by the wardrobe malfunction during the halftime performance’ he said, of Timberlake’s apparently accidental exposure of Janet Jackson’s breast during the halftime show).