Very soon now I shall reach my half-century. I would have preferred to keep the horror a secret but there’s no point. My stock-in-trade as a me-journalist is: everything — good and bad. Also, I have a Wikipedia entry and, perhaps worse, a Facebook page which announces to the world how old you are — and you wake up to find hundreds of people you scarcely know wishing you Happy Birthday, and you’re expected to be gracious about it: like, thanks for reminding me, you’re too kind.
Anyway, I thought that now I’m old and wise I’d make some resolutions. Perhaps they’ll help the next 50 years to pass more smoothly than the first.
1. Be nice. I was watching Rupert Soames at Glastonbury. What an operator. Everyone he meets he makes feel special, wanted, like he’s really interested in them. I’m sure in his case it’s breeding and natural charm but even if you just wanted to deploy it as a cynical tactic it still makes sense. Friendships are enhanced; enemies are disarmed. And I’m sure it works on a karmic level too: as you sow, so shall you reap.
2. Read the small print. All the most successful people I know do so, with the rigour of lawyers. I’m the opposite. Big mistake. Bigger than you could possibly imagine — unless, of course, like me you’re one of those people who never reads the small print.
3. Funny is money. Fact: as Ricky Gervais channelling David Brent might say. I’ve got this new project I’m working on where the rule I’ve made with my partner is: ‘Every time it’s a toss up between making a serious point or going for the joke always go for the joke.’
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