Every year for the last four years we have had a referendum or a general election, and it’s exhausting. Journalists on TV are so tired that they can hardly be bothered to row with each other any more; they increasingly just grumble about the poverty of the candidates. But a good political bluffer never blames the playing surface; it’s bad form. There is still much gibberish to be spouted about GE 2017, just as there is in any election, and not much time left. So here are a few waffly yet significant sounding phrases to get you through for election day and night. Deploy them carefully and impress yourself.
1) Age is the new class. Declare this in an abrupt way, preferably interrupting somebody who is talking about the youth vote or asking why millennials so love Jeremy Corbyn. Then leave a pause while your audience drinks it in. If you feel like explaining, add: ‘The dividing line in politics used to be social status; now it is how old you are’, then make prognostications about the cost of housing and student debt. Or fall silent and let others contemplate your aperçu.
2) The two-party system is reasserting itself. Express with relief and surprise: relief because as a member of cognoscenti, the breakdown in traditional parties and the rise of the populist factions disturbs you; surprise because as someone who follows elections everywhere, you know that established parties are imploding, and Britain is bucking the trend. Add, with more surprise, that ‘perhaps Jeremy Corbyn has ended up saving the Labour Party.’
3) Ukip is the mayfly of British politics: having given birth to Brexit it can now die. With the kippers set to fail tonight, this one could come in handy. It not only shows political nous; the little bit of entomology suggests a hinterland of interesting interests.
4) The 48 per cent has vanished. Say this solemnly, maybe shake your head. It gives you no pleasure to observe the failure of the Remainers. You aren’t one of these triumphant Brexiteers, but you are a realist. You can then admit, humbly, that you — ‘like everyone else’ – had expected the Lib Dems to do better, then waffle on about how politics has changed ‘structurally’ since the EU referendum.
5) The progressive alliance is a fantasy, I’m afraid. Again, look sombre, even if you don’t feel it. Life hasn’t quite been the same since Brexit changed politics structurally. Then you can argue, vaguely, that the SNP is misunderstood in England.
6) We can learn a lot from French pollsters and their data modelling. Data is nothing to be scared of — the polling industry is a circus of blag artists, so ride on their chart tails. All you need to know is that the French polling companies called their election right, and obviously the Brits are somewhat sniffed at after Brexit and the Cameron majority in 2015. Talk further about ‘sample sizes’ and the advantages and disadvantages of online polling.
7) Remember even the exit poll underestimated the Tory vote in 2015. At around 10 pm, when the exit poll comes and everybody talks about its historic accuracy, flash a bit superior knowledge. Refer to the exit poll failure of 1992 as if you remember it well.
8) Could there be a shy Corbyn vote? Nobody will know the answer to this, and it sounds contrarian enough to be interesting, so just go for it, especially if the early signs are that Labour is performing well.
9) Differential turnout is key. Don’t worry if you don’t have the foggiest what this means. If you say ‘differential turnout’ confidently enough nobody will challenge you.
10) Labour is piling up votes in places it doesn’t need them. This speaks to the last but is more, er, granular. You are a hard bitten analyst, and you know how elections are won and lost. Maybe add something well-informed sounding such as ‘Lynton Crosby didn’t have such a bad campaign after all’, assuming the Tories are winning. Reverse ferret and diss Crosby like crazy if it’s going the other way.
Most of all remember, when in doubt talk meaningfully about Brexit, which is the real story of this election, even if it isn’t.
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