Tamzin Lightwater’s conference diary

Sunday: All eyes on the opening ceremony for what I’m sure will be a truly memorable performance by world-renowned professional speechmaker William Hague.

Owing to his impressive array of commitments on the premier after-dinner circuit, we don’t get to hear his celebrated humming routine for free too often these days, so book your seats in the hall early for a barnstorming display of one-liners (and something to do with foreign policy).

Theresa May introduces ‘an inspiring presentation of our Social Action projects’.

Bit of a problem with this one, I’m afraid. You would think candidates in marginal seats might be grateful for the chance to take their minds off leafleting by renovating the odd village hall in the name of Being the Change. Well, apparently not.

We could only find two candidates with anything useful to showcase — a chap in the Midlands who’s turned a derelict scout hut into a Mother and Toddler Glass-Blowing Club and a silly woman in East Anglia who’s spraypainted a herd of sheep green. I’d give it a miss.

Keynote speech by Hezza on rebuilding our great northern cities. I think that should be rebuilding the Tories in our great northern cities — although I did once overhear Lord Tarzan musing about ‘knocking it all down and starting again’.

Our Special Guest, the Mayor of New York, Michael Bloomberg.

I know, I know. If a certain former Terminator hadn’t turned all girly-man, we might have a proper celebrity speaker, but unfortunately some faded Hollywood stars seem to think they’re within their rights to send a useless video message just because we’re six points behind in the polls. Well, I have news for you Mr Muscles — we’ll be back. Maybe not this week, maybe not next, but when we are we’ll remember who our friends were. Oh yes.