January 2008
Jacqui Smith nips out for a kebab in a bid to look Modern, but stupidly reveals that she’s scared of being stabbed. This gives us an idea and we begin arranging similar outings for Dave on the mean streets of North Kensington where he is snapped in a variety of Ordinary places including the late night Spar (the food shop, not the Thai massage place on the corner, obviously). As Northern Rock goes wrong I predict recession — not bad for a girl!
February
Fly-on-the-wall documentary revealing how Dave eats breakfast only gets mixed reviews. Undaunted, we begin the now legendary process of finessing our historic commitment to match Labour spending plans. Dave also shows heroic strength and decisiveness by almost immediately withdrawing the whip from Derek Conway for using his Commons allowance to pay his son to lie in bed. All our MPs rack their brains to make sure they haven’t inadvertently done something similar.
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